Back to My New Normal - Fucking Nuts

So yesterday was my 48th birthday. I really had a great time. I got a good night's sleep the night before, I kissed my wife before I left for work, I got a bunch of 'Happy Birthdays' from people at work (they were going to take me out for pizza - we do this for many people, but it was one woman's baby shower that day and being swamped with work, I couldn't justify taking 2-3 hours off), I had very many 'Happy Birthday's' from Blogging friends who I never met but yet I feel close to many of you. My horoscope was rather true which I find pretty freaky.

Phooey on paperwork and routine tasks.You've got bigger fish to fry.Life feels exhilarating and brand-new.Is there any way you could put off your chores for just a little whilelonger and revel in this feeling? Why not?

I mean, I have bigger fish to fry. I have to get the rest of this cancer out of my body. I've been living in limbo since February 04 when I was diagnosed. It's been a few months at a time as to what my treatment will be and what my status is.

put off your chores for just a little while
longer and revel in this feeling?

Why can't I? I do have a stong work ethic. I know I've been blogging a lot (sometimes from work) I try to sometimes set up the main part of my post the night before adn tweak it when I get in, which is usually 6:30 or 7 am. I'm only supposed to work 35 hrs a week, but I sometimes do much more. I also take days off for chemo and don't mark it as a sick day so it balances out. But I worked from Feb - Sept last year and had 6 months of chemo every other week and only missed the chemo days, plus I kayaked every day for 81 days. Rain, shine, chemo, no chemo. I found that relaxing, but I was obsessed to say the least.

Your imagination is one of your richest assets, but it's important that you don't let it spiral out of control, especially when it comes to romantic matters. It's pretty easy to get so caught up in fantasy that you convince yourself it's real. Take some deep breaths and ground yourself in reality before you make any decisions or commit yourself to something that might have many more layers to it than you originally assumed.

This really freaks me out because it is too true, especially about the romantic matters. I've been married for almost 16 years. Most of that has been good. I've fucked up a little (last year's incident with Kris - an earlier post) and Dana has fucked up too. She's been very supportive and has been there for me with all of this cancer shit, always wanting to do more, I tend to push her away at times because I don't want to have her worry too much. But I feel like I've had very strong feelings for a few women I work with, a few of my nurses and even a few 'blogger types'. I feel like I've gotten most of this under control. I talk about this kind of stuff with my therapist, who is a woman who, you guessed it, I'm somewhat attracted to also. I know that chemo which also contains some steroids plays MAJOR tricks with my head and my emotions. Some women I've talked to say it sounds like I have PMS.

I had a strange-ish thing happen yesterday/today at work with someone. She was very supportive with the whole Kris thing last year and with having cancer, she's always been there to listen and I kept my distance emotionally from her to some extent because we both know how I can be. I always seem to start to well up though when I talk with her. Anyway, I stopped by to bring my bamboo plant over for a 'playdate' with her plants. She has a green thumb and my plant has been looking a little pale. I think she was amused by how I phrased it, so I left the plant there. I got it later and sent an email saying thanks for the playdate and I signed it Bamboo(zled) which is weird, but I thought it was a funny name for the plant, but to bamboozle someone is to like trick them. Anyway, she thought I was leaving it there for a week or two so she was wondering why I tool it back. I also felt strange because I was somewhat hiding my birthday (couldn't you tell by my bloggin posts? How egotistical was that!) and I didn't want it to be a real big deal, although I had my doubts last year if I would see another birthday so I think I was in rare form all day. I stopped by today to sort of explain my strangeness to her and of course she didn't think too much of it, but she is real intuitive and just knew something was not right. So I said that I'm doing ok (which most of the time is true) but I've been keeping a low profile. But I feel like I've been keeping away from her, but she told me that she may have things going on for her too and 'it's not all about me' and that stopped me in mid sentence and I said 'you're right, it isn't all about me'. I guess where I'm going with this is that I sometimes think that I interpret people's reactions as it being about me, when it isn't. I think it's great it isn't about me. She's also told me 'I think too much' which I do, and I don't think about the right things. I obsess about the wrong stuff. Even looking at my horoscope it says I can let things spiral out of control. I have to try to stop that, it's not healthy. Well folks and new readers to my blog, this is the other side of me. I'm probably thinking too much now and most of this must sound rather insane. Just wait until next week when I get the double dose again. I also have a CT scan coming up in 3 weeks so I'll get kookie for that too. Don't get cancer folks, it sucks big time!