Now and Then...

I'm feeling a lot better today. I set up my Tiki lamps by the pool last night and swam for a long time. I really like Pete Townsend and this song too. I don't know if there's a secret message in this post

And There's One "I" in Alive

I survived yesterday and last night. It was one of the worst so far. The nausea has been a new thing over the past few months. I think I'm 1/5th of the way to being done. I sure as hell hope so. Sorry for the drama, I wrote what I felt

There's No I in TEAM But there's Two in Idiot

Chemo 66 was Monday, I think, I'm losing count, I was up since 3 am puking and trying to shit. I came into work at 7 am. I'm in so much pain I wish I was dead. I hate to say that because I really love life but those of you with cancer can relate I'm sure. Why the fuck did I come in today, the world won't end if the book doesn't get out...

Beautiful Boy

I listened to this on my way to work, I lost it.

Close your eyes
Have no fear
The monster's gone
He's on the run and your daddy's here

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Out on the ocean sailing away
I can hardly waitTo see you come of age
But I guess we'll both just have to be patient'
Cause it's a long way to go
A hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go
But in the meantime
Before you cross the street
Take my hand
Life is what happens to you
While you're busy making other plans

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Darling, darling, darling
Darling Sean

Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll

Now that I have your attention, I'll start my post. I haven't been posting as much as I used to. Part of me feels that I want to draw my focus off of the cancer/chemo and just ride it out. It's not that the side effects are easier, it's just that I've done this 65 times. It's fucking boring. When I first went on chemo, I had a different regimine. It was an every two week deal. I would go on a Friday, get many hours of stuff (4 I think, I have probably blocked it out) then I was hooked up to a little pump about the size of an old walkman tape player. That had a bag of meds that was pumped a little at a time for two days. I had the needle in my port that is in my upper chest. At first, they gave me a bag to hold the pump and the meds that was big enough for a loaf of bread, It was huge. Then I was able to fit it into a nice fanny pack and no one really knew I was on chemo. Then, on Sundays, a nurse would come up to the house and needless to say, our clothes were off and ... oh wait, wrong story. Right, the nurse would come up and remove the needle and flush my port blah, blah, blah. Fuck, all I'm doing is talking about chemo. Ok, so now I'm drinking a Saranac Mountain Ale and it is hitting the spot. I also took a few percocets earlier and just finished smoking a little nausea medicine (wink). I feel good. Monday I go for the double dose and I won't feel good so WTF I say. I was reading part of an article in The New Yorker about Timothy Leary, the LSD guy. I've done LSD many times. I probably did more chemos though and LSD is WAY more fun. The last time I did it was probably about 20 years ago when I was 28. I was an avid mountain biker at the time. I didn't race or anything like that but I would ride every weekend. My buddy Henry and I drove to NH and biked up Mt Washington which is the tallest mountain in the NE United States. Also, the highest wind speed recorded ON THE ENTIRE PLANET was recorded there. 233 MPH. We also biked up Mt Mansfield which is the tallest mountain in VT. Both of these mountains had roads but still, it was a fucking climb. The bottom photo is me (far left - in more ways than one) with some friends while we were on acid for the last time. Me had made Spanish Omelets with psilocybin mushrooms in them. I enjoyed them a lot. So anyway I got to thinking that if I had the chance to do the shrooms as we used to say, I most likely would do them even (adn especially) since I have cancer. I'm not afraid of my age being a factor with the shrooms, it was always a nice mellow high. I have been feeling very connected to that cosmic consciousness as of late. Yeah, I know, it's the pot, percocets and beer. Be that as it may, I have been connected. I'll leave it at that. This has been going on for well over two years. I don't see any shrooms in my future because I know no one who is into that and I would not seek them out. I do think I would enjoy it a lot but I'll probably never find that out...

On top of Mt Washington in August

On Mt Mansfield

In the woods back in the day

Ripping at Mohonk NY

Mistaken Identity

I was coming back from chemo around 11 am today. I saw a beautiful Asian woman who looked so much like Boo. I stopped and said hello to her. She was not impressed. Oh well, I had to say hi to her.

# 65

I'm in for # 65, Last week sucked. The side effects, while not as bad as they CAN be, were still painful. I am finding that the last few rounds have caused more nausea too. I do have some pill meds for that, but I'm going organic on that front and smoking a little reefer. It's been proven that it lessens the side effects but if you believe the a-holes at the FDA, they would disput it I'm sure. Let's see what they think if THEY have fucking cancer. A different story I'm sure. I didn't feel like posting last week, I did on my other happy blog. I'd rather just try to make like all is well. I also had a problem with one of the nurses her last week. she set up my pre-meds, then left for a meeting and never started my chemo meds. An hour later the a different nurse came in and noticed that the one never started it. I was LIVID to say the least. I was beyond LIVID. I just went back there a few minutes ago and told the woman who schedules everything that I do not, under any circumstances, what her again. One other time she had to jab me 3 times before she got the needle in the port. I don't need this shit, I don't want this shit, and I'm not taking this shit. This is a great side effect of the cancer. I have ZERO tollerance for a lot of stuff and I'm not afraid to tell someone off. I realize everyone can have a bad day, but she had two and her quota is used up in my book. NEXT...
I had a very good Father's Day yesterday. The kids gave me nice cards, Grif made something in school for me, and Dana got me a nice Farberware cooking set. I do have to return it because it's the non-stick stuff. I don't like that plus it's not really good for you. They say that too much heat can cause it to release carcinogens. I'm thinking of the kids more. The only thing is that they require more care. Dana and cookware do not get along very well. She has even melted a saucepan once. I did manage to do a lot of swimming this past weekend, it was great weather for it. I hope to do more tonight. Well, I should start chemo soon. I did relink my happy blog to this one again. I'll see how it goes. I"m sure I'll get nutty again and de-link it.

# 63 The Rash is Back

I have the second one of this hopefully final round of chemo in the morning. I just did a guestimate with how many more I'd have. It was 6 months so that's 26, If this holds true I will have 24 more after this one. My skin had gotten pretty bad. This first picture wasn't even when it was that bad. I think I look more pained because I seem to have a kayak inserted into my head.



This other picture was taken maybe a 3-4 weeks ago while I was home recovering from lung surgery. My skin was noticably better. That is the real bummer about the Erbitux. It wreaks havoc with the skin and nails. My rash is starting again already. It's getting bad on my face and torso. I do have some creams to put on and I guess it helps somewhat. I have heard too that many people have it worse than I had it. I'll be happy if I get the same reaction this time. I still can't get over how I've had 62 chemos and still have hair.

An interesting thing is how people perceive me with the rash. I don't always notice it because it's on MY face, I don't have to look at me. The rest of you do. I've had people stare and walk around me like I have leporsy or something then others pay me no nevermind (whatever the hell that saying means). I find if I act natually, most people don't make a big deal out of it. None the less, it's a discomfort to say the least and it looks creepy but this is a wonder drug that is saving my life. I have been fortunate that two new drugs came out for the treatment of colon cancer in the past 2 1/2 years. I've had both of them. Some people's insurance companies won't cover the cost (about $17,000 a pop) so they are either having to pay for it themselves, or seek another treatment. That's another thing to be grateful for.

My sister in law's friend has a sister who was recently diagnosed with colon cancer. I don't know what stage she is at but she did have colon surgery first and now this week she is getting a port for administering chemo put in and she starts chemo this week too. She kind of wants to talk to me and I was like sure, of course. I'm rather up front with all of this and anyone who is in the same or a similar boat I am more than happy to speak with. I had called one guy in the city who's wife was having a pump put in too. We spoke for about an hour about what she could expect from it and how it feels and all of that. This new person though is very shy about talking about it it seems. She wanted to know (or had heard) that I have a blog. Now, no one (with the exception of a co-worker who I trust) has read my blog. My wife knows I have one, but she never demanded or even asked to see it and I never offered to let her. She knows it's like a journal and respects that. But, I do have two blogs and I have written some things that may not be bad or false, they might cause me some problems shall we say if the wrong people read them so I don't want to let this woman see the blog because it could get back to my SIL, then to my wife, then I'd have to eat a meal that she cooked for me and I'd be a dead duck. So I offered to contact her by email if that makes her more comfortable. I do hope she writes me but I'm not going to lose sleep over it by any means. I do find it helpful to talk to others who are going through what I am because they can relate to the puking, depression, anxiety and all of the other fun things about chemo and cancer. It's almost midnight. I'm still kind of wound up. I have to get up at around 5 am, then leave for the city by 5:40 so I can be on the East Side by 7:15. I do have only the single dose tomorrow so I should not have too many stomach issues and I can get out of there by 10 am and off to work
(I hope)
I didn't realize I had so much to say tonight...