How to not Get Cramps

I may have found something that limits the ammount of cramps I get after the chemo. I found if I take 2 senokote when I get home, plus eat the gerber baby prune stuff and take gas-ex and the belladonna, it seems to limit my cramps. I also ate less and drank more water. I'll try it again and see how it works. That's if I have a treatment Monday. My toes are getting all fucked up and they may stop treatments for a week so I can go on antibiotics again for a week.

The Plan for the New Year

So Christmas has come and gone. I was so excited to post tonight, but I called someone and lost my drive to do so. Well I wanted to post about some of the new side effects I'm having. This is my big toe, this is my big toe on Erbitux. It's getting rather fucked up. It's sore as shit and it's bumming me out. I'm trying to find things that can help it but I'm not having a lot of luck. I guess staying off it would help. I want this year to be a turnaround year for me. I feel like I'm stuck in my rut again. After I was first diagnosed, I had a good attitude. I felt lucky to be alive and savored every day. Then I hit bottom and got depressed. I drank too much and didn't give a shit about anything. I was doing my chemo, kayaking every friggin day and just waiting for the operation. I didn't even think ahead of that. Nothing about recovering from it or anything. Little did I know that the post-op stuff was going to be that difficult. Well it was and I'm still not right. I feel very lost spiritually and I don't know what to do. I know I need to find something and I feel that this is the year for me. I want to turn things around and get them to where I was after I was first diagnosed, not even where I was before cancer because that was not a very good spot either. So that is one of my plans for this year. I would like to check out a church up by me but there is the one in NJ that I'm comfortable with. My biggest fear is that I'm going to become religious. I don't know why I fear that, but I do. I think I don't want to become preachey. Let me stop for now and try to finish this post later

WTF is going on???

I don't even remember where I left off. I'm having some major aniexity attacks today. I just feel so overwhelmed with everything. I can't stop obsessing with my reality that I will most likely be doing the same chemo for another year at best. That will bring me to around the three year mark for chemo/cancer. HOLY FUCK!
I'm feeling so lost spiritually too. I really never felt spiritually connected in my whole life. I was raised a catholic and went through 8 years of grammar school only to dump it all in high school. I smoked way too much pot. I didn't know how to cope and didn't want to try. So why am I bringing this up now??? Who knows. I've connected with a school friend who I haven't talked to in 30 years. She has cancer too. I asked her how she deals with it and she prays. I have such a hard time praying. Even when I was in the hospital for over two fucking weeks, I hardly said a prayer. Why have I lost this or is it I never ever had it. I think that is more of the case. My homelife wasn't the worst, but it wasn't the best either. I never felt close to God or any higher power. Now my wife is saying I should go to NA or something. I don't really think that is my problem, I see a shrink, I'll have to ask her I guess. I do know that something is lacking. For about six months after I was first diagnosed, I had a isn't life great attitude. Then I nosedived and lost control, I had the whole thing with Kristan, was drinking too much, felt lost and hopeless. Then the surgery took what was left out of me and the recovery has really sucked. It's a long fucking road and I'm getting tired of it. I know, shitty attitude.
fuck me...

Feeling Stupid

I think I may be over the worst part of the cramping from the chemo, but I feel like my brain is jello. I can't think straight at all and I'm at work just trying to do simple tasks and I find I just stare at the screen. I feel very useless at this point. It's like I'm here physically, but not here mentally at all. I'm sort of scared stiff I think. Maybe it's just an anxiety attack? I'm overwhelmed with Christmas coming and not all of the gifts gotten, we are in a financial hole, my health is improving, but it's coming up on two years since being diagnosed with cancer. I can't fucking believe it. I can't remember my life before cancer it seems. I was crying beore work again too. We had a small Christmas party today but I didn't feel comfortable at all in there. I jsut want to get the hell out of here and go to bed. I miss how I used to be

I'm Hiding

All I can say right now is that CANCER REALLY SUCKS. I'm cramping pretty bad, but I may be on to a new formula to speed up the side effects of the cramps. I'll see if it works. I saw my therapist today and actually started to cry a little. I think I cried more in the bathroom at work though, that's a first (maybe a second) I also hugged my therapist (who is a woman) It was partly a Merry Christmas thing but also a I need a hug thing too. Yeah, I guess I broke one of the cardinal rules of psychotherapy. I should see a shrink about it I guess, HA

# 47

I went in for # 47 today. I had missed one week because I have been having some foot problems, so I was on an antibiotic for a week and they cut me some slack. I don't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. Having that week off just made me realize even more how much I can't stand this whole thing and there ain't nothing I can do about it. Not to mention that even the best case scenario is that I do another 4 months of the treatments and the tumors disappear, then just to make sure they are gone, my Oncologist would keep me on for another 6 months. Which means that under the most favorable circumstances, I'm looking at close to a year of this (that's if they disappear afer 4 months - no guarantee they will) which sucks. I know I shouldn't look ahead and take one step at a time and all of that, great advice, I wish I could be saying those words to someone instead of hearing them said to me. As much as I like blogging I am beginning to wonder if this chemo blog should go underground or not. I know too many of you now and it makes me uncomfortable to be bitching to you or however you want to look at it. I know you're all very supportive and all of that, and I guess part of why I started this was to get sympathy or support or something. I know part of it was to be able to share some of what I am going through but trust me, it's different when it's people you don't know at all, then it becomes people you still don't know at all but they kind of know you and you kind of know them. (You Blogger Folks) I edit myself all of the time now when I never would do that and it goes against what I was trying to do I guess. I'm not asking for advice and I dont' know what I am going to do about it right now.

There Are Many Among Us

Several years ago I visited Classmates.com and filled out some of the info. I did not want to pay for the service so I tried to get what I could for free. Well I got an email from them for something, so I visited the site again. I saw that there were some of my classmates that I actually gave a shit about there, so I tried to see if I could email one of them. To my surprise, even though they wanted me to sign up for a Gold Membership which I did not do, it went through. Patty was a friend of mine from Catholic grammar school through High School. We did not pal around really, but I do remember (and so does she) how she kissed me in the coat room of Sister Mary Karen's classroom. It must have been quite a kiss because we both remembered it and that was 40 years ago. We grew up in a small town so everyone pretty knew everyone else. So it was great that she got my email yesterday. I told her that I'm doing well and have 2 kids etc. I didn't mention the "C" word. She wrote back saying she was fine and has 4 kids but that her brother and her sister both have cancer. Well, I wrote back and said that I didn't want to mention it at first, but I too have cancer. She replied that she too has been dealing with cancer for a few years. She has a form of skin cancer (mutiple myloma?) and is doing well with it, her brother who went to school with my brother has stage V thyroid cancer and her younger sister has stage III colon cancer. All diagnosed within 18 months of each other. It was so great to hear from Patty but I was shocked to hear what was happening in her family. We are planning on staying in touch now. I'm glad I followed my instincts that day and sent that email.

Yippee, I Passed

As most of you know by now, I passed my CT Scan. In other words, many of the tumors that were present on my July scan, are now gone, kaput, history and about 3-4 of the other ones that were a dark white color on the July scan, are now a ghostly white color which means that they are disappearing. The doctor used the words "I am very happy with the results". She doesn't throw around the words happy or very that often. I think she may have even smiled but don't let that get around, it could ruin her reputation. I have been having trouble with my toes hurting and the nails getting all sore so her nurse told me to take my shoes and socks off and wait for the Doc because she doesn't have time to waste. Some I'm in the examination room with my Brother and we're waiting for her. The next thing you know is her nurse tells us to go into her office because she had the scans up on her computer side by side for comparison. So I'm in there in my bare feet just standing on her carpet in the office of one of the world's top oncologists. I just found that funny. Since there is a possiblilty of getting a foot infection, she put me on an antobiotic for a week and I get to take a week off from the chemo. Whooppeeee! I had also asked her about what can be done to help my fingers stop splitting. She said that many patients are using Crazy Glue to mend them. I'm not sure about that one....
I'm sure I'll have something to bitch about this week. Thanks everyone for your email comments. I don't expect you to post here too unless you want to, I won't stop you.

One Day to Go

Thanks everyone who has commented. I woke up today with a slight Percocet hangover. I went to bed at around 2 am (again)then I got up at 6:30 with Dana, she was playing at a church this morning, and made coffee then went back to bed until 9:30. My feet are killing me again. Now I know why I took so many percocets last night. Right away the kids are at me to go to their cousins who live up the street. I don't mind them going but I need to wake up and snap out of this. Dylan gets such a snotty attitude at times, I want to smack him. I've never hit them (except I smacked Dylan on the ass when he was about 3-4 because he slammed me in the arm with a baseball bat, it was a reflex and I didn't hurt him) but sometimes I want to, or just pick him up and screem in his face. I know that's not how to parent and I won't do that, but that's how I feel. Call DYFUS I guess. Anyway, I just feel a lot of pain in the old footsies that I'll probably have to medicate the fuck out of me again, not to mention that I'm getting antsy about tomorrow. I will go into work for a few hours to distract myself and to work, but there is this whole issue with the boss being hard to understand with what he expects us to do. He's going on vacation and he dumped this project on my co-worker and my laps. He gives up shitty directions and looks at us like we're from fucking Mars when we ask questions. My co-worker is ready to get off of the team and I can't say I blame her, but I hope she doesn't for my own selfish reasons. so I guess I don't know what to fucking complain about at all. Part of me just wants to go apeshit and scream my head off or do a video blog of me freaking out. That would be fun I bet.
On a lighter note....I did just register a new domain name www.phillieg.net and I may move my blogs there. I did it because it's cheap for one, and I want to be able to but vieos and songs there and not have to worry about other servers and shit like that. Also I want to use it to try working on a database and other stuff. Well, I don't feel tons better, but I don't feel any worse. I've got bills to pay

Waiting for Results

I thought I'd try going back to a typed post instead of the videos. I know some of you can't see them due to platform issues, connection speed or whatever.
I had my followup CT scan on Thursday, 12/8 and I'll get my results on Monday afternoon. Normally I would see my Onc in the morning but she is getting ready to go on vacation so everyone wants a piece of her next week. I'm expecting more good news which means to me that the tumors in my lungs are still shrinking (maybe some will be gone) and there is nothing happening in my liver. What also comes with the good news is that I will have to endure yet another 8 weeks of treatments which means more stomach cramps, which are getting to the impossible to deal with stage, along with more skin rashes and splitting fingertips. Oh, and yes, I have a new one now. My toes are splitting just like my fingers are. This really sucks because I have to jam them into shoes everyday, it hurts just putting socks on. So I want to compile a list of concerns/complaints for my Onc for Monday. I also want to see what dietary things I can do to help lessen the side effects. I hope to meet with or set up an appointment with a dietician. So after this fourth possible round of chemo, it will be 2 years since my diagnosis. Does that make me a 2 year survivor?

This Round is Over

	If the movie doesn't play, you can try this link or right click it and save to the desktop. Looking at the Three of these that I did this week, I realize that this is an interesting way to let everyone know what is going on for one, these have all been done on the first take with no editing or script (I know, they seem seamless) and I also realize that I started each of these off with "Hey"