One Year Ago

	If the movie doesn't play, you can try this link or right click it and save to the desktop. Don't freak out people, I'm ok. This is normal for me every other week.

Chemo # 45 - The Movie

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Blah

Here it is the day after Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for with having good friends and family and for being around another year. I think I'll have many more but you never know when the cancer will come back, and I have to get rid of it first. I've really been feeling blah as of late. I don't quite know what the deal is. Work has been ok although my boss has been setting me up (unintentionally I think) so I look stupid in meetings. I have to talk to him about that. And there is still that tension with certain people there. Home life is ok, the usual. Not enough time together, the kids are at us, my fingers are killing me, my abdoman is still messed up, I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach a lot. I feel lost and overwhelmed I think. I don't see this feeling going away in the near future either. I don't know when it will if ever. I can't wait until I make it to the 5 year mark being cancer free. This Feb it will be 2 years since being diagnosed, but I guess that I don't start counting until I'm cancer free? I don't know..

I'm Back

Well that was a waste of time and energy. I have a lot of complaints. Mainly my fucking fingers hurt and it's hard to type.

Another Shitty day

Today started out bad and got worse. My wife IM'd me like we often do in the morning, and she didn't ask me how I was feeling. It bothered me a bit because she often gets wrapped up in her own stuff. That's not a crime and I'm not too shocked. Then I had to get ready for a meeting, so I talked to my boss about what issues if any had to be dealt with. I asked specific questions and got what I thought were specific answers. Once again, I looked stupid because the issues that I brought up were already known to the people who were involved with them. i also had to directly address the woman who hates me about something and I was blown off and made to look stupid. I have to talk with the boss and the manager about this. I can look stupid by myself. I took a percocet and feel better now....

Dermatological Nightmare

Here's some nice photos of what is happening lately to my body. The one on the left is my calf. Normally my calf muscle is well defined (not to brag, but I have nice legs, not chicken legs). Now my calves are swollen and the rash is on them too as well as my thighs. Not only does it itch, but it also burns and if I bend down, they almost feel like they are going to explode. This is something new, I am getting this checked out today by the nurse. The other lovely photo is of my right hand. It really does not do it justice, but my fingertips are all getting split and cracked. This seems to run in cycles where I'll have a bad week or so, then it gets somewhat better. It sucks because I love to play my guitar, but it's hard to play with bleeding fingers. I guess the 'good' news is that because of all of the pain I have with the cramps from the CPT11, I was able to get some percocet. They don't help with the cramps, but I don't mind as much.

Ok, this just in. Because of my legs and stomach being swollen, my Onc ordered a sonogram of my abdomen. I found out two good things. One is that there are no blood clots in the liver (which was a concern) and two, I am having a girl!
This sucks, I wish I was OUT OF HERE!

More Bad News

I don't want this to be about bad news all of the time, but this really sucks. A friend of Dana's from high school, Sigrid, her daughter had been battling brain cancer for about 5 years. She is only 11. She died the other day. Dana is going to be playing at a memorial service on Sunday. Hug your kids if you have them.

Great American Smokeout

I'm sure this is no surprise coming from me to all of you. I used to smoke, my cancer is not related to smoking (I think, I have colon cancer and I never stuck a butt in my butt). In case people are not aware of this, CANCER SUCKS. If you smoke, as I know some of you do, please try to quit even if it's only for one day. I am such a weak-willed person, I thought I'd never quit. that was 16 years ago. I did it with hypnosis. Here's a link with some info. Lecture over

Why Do So Many People Suck?

I work with a guy, I really don't know him well, but he seems like a friendly guy, rather quiet. I have not seen him in two weeks and I figured he took some time off. I found out that he was leaving a party at his cousins two weeks ago and was robbed and severly beaten. He was in a coma for over a week. He has fucking heel marks on his head from where he was stomped on. Lately too, I've been seeing a lot of stomping on people in the Blog world. People seem to think that everyone and everything is fair game. There's a thin line between busting chops and just harassing people and being downright mean. I think it really sucks, people either don't put themselves in other people's shoes enough, or they are just mean people who don't give a fuck. I'm probably just very naive or too chemo'd out, I feel like what you see is what you get with me, but others appear to be one thing, then you see they are something else. This applies to the real world too, not just here. This shouldn't be a news flash for me, but it is. Maybe I'm just losing my desire to do this blogging stuff or I may just go underground with this one.
-whatever

Lost a Friend

I worked with a woman who I became friends with over the time I worked where I work. I would always say hello to her and she would say hello to me too. I knew she had some form of cancer because of her wigs she wore or her real short hair. I never asked her what she had or anything and I just treated her like a regular person like she was. In Feb 04, I was first diagnosed with cancer. I found her to be very aproachable as someone I could talk to and find out some information. I think she had some kind of ovarian cancer, but I really cant' remember now. She had gone through numerous treatments, but they would work for a while, then stop working. About 4-5 months ago she started a new treatment that I think knocked her for a loop. I always kept an eye open for her but she didn't return to work. She lost her battle last night. I'll miss her...

Sunday

I was/am having a real shitty day. I feel like everyone's at me today. I took a ride in the kayak and it helped a bit. Here's some pictures. If I look pissed and confused, I capture the real me then.

Here's a horrible picture of me, but that's me now, rash and all. Man, I look like Frankenstein with the kayak coming out of my neck like bolts









My Ride












This was at the other end of the lake,
if I go straight ahead, I'll be back by home









My Ride









Walton Lake from earth.google.com

I'm Done!

Ok, this is my easy week as far as the chemo goes. But today, I ran in to that woman I work with who hates me and I said Hi, and she blatantly ignored me. So now I really get it, it's her fucking problem. She doesn't exist anymore in my world.
She can't even be civil.
I can be cured of the cancer, she'll always be a jerk.

~ no comments allowed on this puppy

Almost Through It

I have been getting this one drug, CPT11, since October of last year. It's the one that causes all of the cramping. I've had 25 rounds of it so far out of the 42 total chemo's I've done.
That freaks me out! I still have at least 3 more cycles of that over the next 7 weeks then I find out how much more I have to do.
Anyway, enough of the pity-party.
I did just get a new prescription from my MD.

Here we go again

Like a swiss timepiece, the fucking stomach cramps begain again. Just 2-3 days of intense pain, then moderate pain for another few days. Plus I feel like I'm losing my mind (again)