Tuesday, May 30, 2006
# 62 done, 25 more to go
I had chemo yesterday (Memorial Day). It went well, it was an easy commute in and out of the city. I am starting to feel like shit already, I started the morning off with a nice puke. Probably due to the megadose of chocolate Ice Cream after the grilled spring onions. I'm back at work today also. I have to get aclimated to it again. At least I see my therapist today. I feel like crying because I don't want to do this anymore but I have no options. I'm not as brave as many of you may think at times
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Last Day Before Chemo Starts Again
If the movie doesn't play, you can try this |
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Good(ish) News
I don't know why I have trouble absorbing good news, but I do. My Oncologist said I may just have 6 more months of chemo then I may be done. The operation was a success, my lymph nodes were negative for cancer, and they got the two spots of cancer out.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
"D-Day" as in Doctor Day
Today I meet with my Oncologist. Scared shitless right now, waiting for the percocets to kick in, then the xanax. I'll post results later
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Fuck
I can't believe how much BS I get from my family. I ask Dylan to make sure he has clothes for his concert yesterday and guess what, he has no fucking clothes and the concert is in 45 minutes. Dana's no fucking help either
Monday, May 15, 2006
Blah....
I had been doing ok with the surgery, although I still hurt a lot unless I take many percocets a day. I woke up this morning however throwing up and with the shits (at the same time of course) I hate all of these side effects but I'm not on chemo so I'm not sure what is happening and why. Probably something I ate. I will most likely start chemo again in a week or two. Not looking forward to it at all. I really hate it.
I can't believe these past two years. I just want to cry, I wish it would end (happily).
I've upped the amount of percocets I'm taking again. I had been eating about 12 a day and the funny thing is that no one can tell that I'm high. I've always been good at being high, but not acting or looking it. I guess its probably more of a curse.If I got caught at it more often I'd probably stop it. so now I'm back to taking more. It just feels like a hot knife is jabbing me around the area under my right breast and rib cage. I imagine that is where the removed the part of my lung. I can't feel were the lymph nodes were removed. I hope to ask him this week when I meet with him. This morning was very rough too because it was the first time I puked since I had this operation. That hurt the area where they cut me very much. I also had a sneezing fit and that was unbearable. Luckily I'm not big on the allergies or I'd be fucked.
I was supposed to go to have lunch with some friends from work today. It was my friend Debi's bithday. I just work with such a remarkably wonderful bunch of people (and most of them are women too which makes it even better because they are all supportive and are very easy on the eyes if you know what I mean. Hell, I'm sick, not dead. I think there was also part of me that didn't want to deal with all of the questions and comments too, but I know I didn't fabricate this. Jeeze, today was only the third week since my operation. I will say this, I seem to heal reather quickly for the most part.
I hope I sleep better tonight. I see my therapist tomorrow. I told her that she looks great in peach colored capri pants. I actually said "You look peachy". I know I broke some sort of ethical code of not being able to compliment one's therapist. hey, she's an attractive woman and she looked realy great in the pants. So shoot me
I can't believe these past two years. I just want to cry, I wish it would end (happily).
I've upped the amount of percocets I'm taking again. I had been eating about 12 a day and the funny thing is that no one can tell that I'm high. I've always been good at being high, but not acting or looking it. I guess its probably more of a curse.If I got caught at it more often I'd probably stop it. so now I'm back to taking more. It just feels like a hot knife is jabbing me around the area under my right breast and rib cage. I imagine that is where the removed the part of my lung. I can't feel were the lymph nodes were removed. I hope to ask him this week when I meet with him. This morning was very rough too because it was the first time I puked since I had this operation. That hurt the area where they cut me very much. I also had a sneezing fit and that was unbearable. Luckily I'm not big on the allergies or I'd be fucked.
I was supposed to go to have lunch with some friends from work today. It was my friend Debi's bithday. I just work with such a remarkably wonderful bunch of people (and most of them are women too which makes it even better because they are all supportive and are very easy on the eyes if you know what I mean. Hell, I'm sick, not dead. I think there was also part of me that didn't want to deal with all of the questions and comments too, but I know I didn't fabricate this. Jeeze, today was only the third week since my operation. I will say this, I seem to heal reather quickly for the most part.
I hope I sleep better tonight. I see my therapist tomorrow. I told her that she looks great in peach colored capri pants. I actually said "You look peachy". I know I broke some sort of ethical code of not being able to compliment one's therapist. hey, she's an attractive woman and she looked realy great in the pants. So shoot me
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Roller Coaster
It's amazing how much I rely on my medications. I didn't take anything for pain yet today or any of the many other meds I take, and all I can think of saying is FUCK EVERYTHING.
It occurred to me that my new normal is like the same ones I've had for the past 26 months. I'm either on fucking chemo, or I get a break from chemo because I had another part of my insides cut out of me. Hardly a break, ya know? I'm also participating in an acupuncture pain study. They taped these small needles onto various parts of my body that may or may not be in the right places depending on if I have the placebo ones or the real ones. I get phone calls asking me about my pain. Is it a zero (no pain) or a ten (much pain). How the fuck do I know. You dive into a pool of water and you're wet, that's it. If they asked me 3 years ago how much pain I'm in, I'd have a much different answer. Now, I've been in constant pain since Sept 04. Period. Some days I act better than others and some days I take 14 percocets. Do you have a fucking 15 on the pain scale lady? That's where I'm at! I'm so tired of this grind. Now I'm off chemo while I heal (at least I can shit in peace) then I get an x-ray on May 18th along with a CT scan that day. I will also see the lung surgeon, then see the foot doctor who will no doubt cut up my nails with no anesthesia. Then the following week I will see my Onc who will tell me the wonderful news about how we don't know why your abdominal lymph nodes are enlarged but we'll hit you with another 40 rounds or so of chemo. Gee, will it be the same stuff or something else? I turned off comments because I don't want to hear any. No pep talks. I'm sure in a day or so I'll be able to fake it again and will turn them back on.
It occurred to me that my new normal is like the same ones I've had for the past 26 months. I'm either on fucking chemo, or I get a break from chemo because I had another part of my insides cut out of me. Hardly a break, ya know? I'm also participating in an acupuncture pain study. They taped these small needles onto various parts of my body that may or may not be in the right places depending on if I have the placebo ones or the real ones. I get phone calls asking me about my pain. Is it a zero (no pain) or a ten (much pain). How the fuck do I know. You dive into a pool of water and you're wet, that's it. If they asked me 3 years ago how much pain I'm in, I'd have a much different answer. Now, I've been in constant pain since Sept 04. Period. Some days I act better than others and some days I take 14 percocets. Do you have a fucking 15 on the pain scale lady? That's where I'm at! I'm so tired of this grind. Now I'm off chemo while I heal (at least I can shit in peace) then I get an x-ray on May 18th along with a CT scan that day. I will also see the lung surgeon, then see the foot doctor who will no doubt cut up my nails with no anesthesia. Then the following week I will see my Onc who will tell me the wonderful news about how we don't know why your abdominal lymph nodes are enlarged but we'll hit you with another 40 rounds or so of chemo. Gee, will it be the same stuff or something else? I turned off comments because I don't want to hear any. No pep talks. I'm sure in a day or so I'll be able to fake it again and will turn them back on.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Don't Click on My Ass
What the heck do you all know? I know you only want me here because of my booty, but that works for me. Thanks, you're all great friends."you like me, you really like me"