A Much Needed Break

I just had a scan and I still have that tumor in my right lung. The good news is that is hasn't changed in size, if anything it got a tiny bit smaller. I'm so feed up with treatments and the side effects that my Onc gave me 2 months off of chemo. It's going to take another week or two to purge the poisons out of my system but I am finally feeling that my fingers are healing and some of the skin issues are getting better. The mind fuck is still going on. I think that when I start up with chemo I will seek some counseling at SK. I do see a therapist who is wonderful and has been very helpful with the cancer at times and other issues. I do feel that Dana does not often understand what it is that I am going through at all. She tries to get it but she does not. It frustrates the hell out of both of us I guess to be fair to her. I really just want to bitch about how "my wife doesn't understand me" but I don't understand me either. Well this is certainly taking a different direction than I originally planned. I do see from the old site meter that there are a few people who visit. I know one is TuxBaby (Hi Tux :-) and the other is a WebTV person who I'm not sure who it is.

So what I had wanted to say is how I really need to start to handle my life better and find a better lifestyle for dealing with the cancer. I need to meditate, not medicate. This is getting close to 4 years now. My new normal is a hard one to accept. I am lucky in some ways, I certainly could be dead and I'm not. My quality of life could be much worse. I am in constant pain/discomfort though, I wish I wasn't but between surgical scars and chemo side effects it's the way it is. Well, it's snowing/sleeting/raining/hailing outside. I just saw a car flipped over.

What a fucking life at times....

Long Time, No Post

So it's been a very long time since I posted here, 4 months about. Things are status quo. I have noticed that I have a reader from WebTV who does not comment but visits a lot. I'm not sure who this is. Feel free to comment or not comment. I'm sitting here waiting for my meds to be ready, this is usually done by 9-9:30. Here it is 11:11 am and I'm not in. I'm PISSED but luckily I took some stuff to calm me down. I still have a spot on my right lung. I had one fried back in September. I had been hoping that I would have been all clear after my March operation but that was not the case. I had hoped that I'd be done with chemo by now. Again, not the case. This is a never ending situation it appears. I have to accept that I have a chronic illness that will need constant treatment. Even if I get a break, I will be back on chemo I imagine and also when I have had breaks, it seems that more shit grows and that means an operation. I'd almost rather just continue with the chemo and deal with each small tumor as they develop. At least the RFA is just an overnight stay with little or no recovery time. An operation is a two week ordeal in the hospital with a 4-6 week recovery at home. I am stitched out too I think. 4 operations so far in under 4 years, 125-130 treatments of chemo too. I'm amazed I'm still chugging away and still working. I have been trying to get back to a happy place and be accepting of my situation but it's hard. I try to play my guitar a lot and to jam with friends. Also, I try to spend more time with the kids playing ping-pong and having fun. I took Dylan to see a concert, Zappa Plays Zappa on Halloween, it was his first concert. We had a great time, I know he'll always remember me for that. I have been trying to spend more quality time with Dana too.

As far as blogging goes, it's been a drag at times. I had someone I felt I was good friends with but that friendship ended. I feel it's for the better. It was strange and strained from the get-go with issues of trust, bouts of paranoia and other oddities. I do honestly hope that they are well and are doing what they need to do, whatever that means, right? I know that I am far from perfect but I was always honest with them. I do feel blogging is a haven for nutcases, myself included at times.

An Update

Tux, you're a sweetheart for checking in on me. I have a Happy Blog too if you don't know that. Here it is.

I got my scan results, they looked good. There seemed to be nothing on the radar, this is the first time I've had scan results like that. There was talk with my Onc about maybe stopping treatment in the Fall if this trend continues. So I'm cautiously optimistic. I generally feel good, the double chemo week is still rough but I'm able to work through it and I'm enjoying life. If anything of great importance happens with regard to the cancer, I'll post it.

Love you all
-phil

A Post

I have a scan coming up in about two weeks. I feel it's a biggie because I don't know if there is anything on the radar. Since this all started, over three years ago there has always been something on the radar with my scans which always translates into another operation. So I feel that there is a possibility that maybe there is nothing on the radar and maybe I could get a break from chemo when my 6 months is up in the fall. Of course, there could be something there then I will have to deal with it as usual.

~TuxBaby, thanks for checking in on me. I'm sorry that I don't have a whole lot to say about this. I'm not finding this blog (or the other) as theraputic or fun as they used to be. I've gotten to sort of know some great people and some wackos and some in between. You seem like a very nice woman. Some people's actions (or lack there of) have really surprised me but when taken in the "big picture" of who they seem to be, their behaviour is par for the course I suppose and I'm sure they would have similar things to say about me.

Long Time, No Post

And I guess it will stay that way.
I changed my mind

I'm beyond pissed right now. I have to have another operation then do more chemo so the next 8-10 months of my life are going to be a living hell again. To top it off, my Mom is in the hospital with pneumonia as of last night and I'm battling my insurance to get my sons extensive dental work covered. He needs some major work but that needs to be done in the hospital. Dental won't cover it and the medical won't either because it's not the result of an accident. So if I were to kick the fucking teeth in of the asshole on the phone with the insurance company, he'd be covered, but if he's a little kid who needs to have to done in the hospital it's not covered.

Update

I have been neglecting this blog for a while. That's mostly good news because it usually means I'm doing well. I did have a PET scan done and it showed nothing new. So that means that my Onc is giving me off fro chemo for a few weeks. I'll have another CT scan on Feb 7th, then see her on Valentines Day. There is a very good chance that I may get another two months off if they don't see anything. If they DO see something, there's a very good chance she'll say "OK, let's operate the following week". That happened last tiem. It was kind of good because it didn't give me time to get all worked up about it and as far as operations go, it was a piece of cake compared to a colon and liver resection. So, life is good now. My holidays were great, the kids had a blast. Dana and I got to do some things and we did family things too. I hope all of you are well. Take care of your health and all of you smokers (if there are any who read my stuff) please QUIT.
x-p