Update

I go Monday to SK for the midpoint evaluation. I talk with a nurse who works for my oncologist and we go over side effects and stuff like that. Well tomorrow I'll show up minus a lot of hair. I basically have a crew cut if you can even call it that. It's very thin and seems to be getting spotty too in the areas that I do have hair. I may also go out on partial disability this week too. I'll be able to collect pay for the days I can't work due to the side effects. Those are becoming more frequent lately. After all of this time I can't do it (the work thing) anymore. I think it's going to be a good thing. I'm also undecided if I'm going to wear a hat at work or just go with the new streamline look.
Whatever, I need a nap. I'm tired

It's not the Cancer, it's the Cure that's killing me

So as many of you know, I'm real bummed. I've been dealing with this cancer shit for over 2 1/2 years and for over 70 something treatments. Now, as I come into the home stretch, the fucking cure is making the rest of my body fall apart. I didn't just post the pictures but I have links if anyone is curious as to what is going on. I now it's superficial and all of that and my hair will grow back etc, but it's happening to me and I don't like it and with everything else cancer related, I can't do a fucking thing about it except deal with it (or not). I just find it annoying that I've gone this far without this shit and now it has to happen?? My toe is getting infected (again) and is swollen and hurts like hell. My hair is falling out like crazy. I talked to the boys and Dyl said he didn't really notice, but when I tilted his head he was like 'holy shit' (not his words) He is upset although I assured him that it will grow back. I may even have him and Grif and Dana help me shave it off (thanks MyUtopia for the suggestion). I don't know when or what I'm going to do yet. I won't let it fall out in patches though, I do think the time is getting closer. My hands, which I did not photograph, are sore as hell with many little splits in my fingers. They are very dry and lotions seems to do little to help. I find it very hard to play guitar now which makes things even worse emotionally for me. And on the emotional front, all I feel like doing is crying or punching holes in walls. I have to take at least 4-6 percocets a day for the pains and a bunch of other shit to numb me so I can get through the day. This is the EASY week folks. I am investigating taking a disablity leave but I have 13 weeks or so to go and I only can get 6 weeks at 100%. I can get another 19 weeks at 66 2/3% but that won't cut it financially because we live paycheck to paycheck and are in a deep enough hole as it is. There is a chance I can work a week, then be off a week (repeat until I go through 13 weeks) but I'll still have to be a bald, rashy, cancer looking person at work for the entire time. I just want to crawl under a rock until it's over, but I can't. Please, if anyone comments, don't tell me I look good anyway blah, blah, blah. I'm just venting and showing you (if you care to look) why I'm so fucking pissed.
Head
Head
Face
My Toe

Just What I've Dreaded...

This first picture was taken in early May, a few weeks after my lung operation. This second one was taken last night at like 2 am. I can't friggin sleep. I sleep about 4-5 hours at best. I've had 70 something chemos over the span of 2 1/2 years and it looks like finally, I may be having my hair fall out. Sure, I'm almost 49 but over the past few weeks when I get out of the shower and towel off, I see all of my hair all over my arms and other parts. I'm very depressed about this. I really thought that I was going to escape this with my hair intact. Being bald isn't the end of the world but it seems that I will also still have the rash (which isn't really present in teh first picture because things cleard up once I got off of the the Erbitux) so I'll have a rashy, pimpley fucking bald head. I don't feel I have the cranium for this either. I was so hoping to get through this last 4 months intact, but I don't see it happening. A year ago I was looking at do-rags because I thought I'd lose it then. I know it's superficial and all of that and there are many guys who are bald. This is more symbolic for me I guess. It's really a statement to the world that I have cancer, I could sneak by before because I had hair and really looked pretty good (IMO) considering all I've been through. So the next question is will it grow back? It should but there is no saying if it will. I'm really not ready for this. I was really depressed before but thank God for drugs, after a mouthful of them I'm ready to blog it and post the picture. This my resolve my previous post at least because I'm not oing to want to talk to anyone.

Otherwise, it's a nice day outside. I'm off to the farm. Dana has a wedding she is playing violin at this afternoon ($150 for the ceremony) then she has a singing gig in a coffeehouse in NJ (just for tips, she's lucky to get $10 but it gets her out and singing).

aches and pains and being naked

I'm in a major funk. I ache from head to toe lately, part of it is the cancer, part of it is a bad back. I finally took a vacation two weeks ago and all of the sitting in the car made my back act up again. I was rolling up the pool cover last Monday and I felt my back go. The pain got worse so I went back to my chiropractor. I'm starting to feel some relief but it surely is taking it's time. I have to take two percocets just so I don't ache in the morning. My skin is getting bad again with split fingers on my hands and cracked heels on my feet. My left toe, the one that's been trouble, is getting worse again. I had done a round of antibiotics two weeks ago to stave off an infection that was starting. It keeps happening to the same toe and if I bump it, it hurts. It even hurts putting a sock on it. It will probably recover when I finally get off of the chemo in 14 weeks or so. That will hopefully be it but with this shit you never know. I will have done about 90 treatments by the time it's over. I can't believe it. Now it's been about 2 1/2 years too that I've been dealing with cancer. It feels like forever. It's hard to remember not having to do chemo. I'm really quite bummed about all of this. It was so difficult to get started with chemo after my April 24th surgery. I loved having 7 weeks off from it even if they did cut an 8 inch gash in my side. Vacation was kind of interesting in that regard. I got quite a few stares in the beach. At first I was thinking I would wear t-shirts on the beach to cover myself and not show my scars. When I got there I said fuck it and didn't cover them. The only thing more disgusting would have been if I wore a Speedo I think. Maybe it was my imagination too, they could have been staring at my belly since it's gotten larger. Partly because I put on weight and partly because I herniated my abdoman after my first operation so it's a little more chunky than it should be. OK, I'm fat. Well I got off topic. I'm supposed to be bummed out. Well that's what 6 percocets in a day will do to ya I guess. I did just come back inside from swimming with Griffin. I had to close the pool for the night. I always cover it with the solar cover to keep the warmth in the pool. the air is about 67 and the water is 85 still. We saw the moon rising and plenty of stars. It's a very crisp night. We also both skinny dipped. It was Griffin's first time. It really is a wonderful feeling swimming naked. I doubt I'd ever go to a nudie beach but I have no problem with swimming that way in my own pool. So I started this post complaining and wound up naked in my pool. Not bad, I hope tomorrow is as good...

The Results are In

I got my CT results yesterday. Everything is looking good. I have another 4 months of treatments to go then I should be done. I am once again cautiously optimistic. I have begun to realize that I have a chronic illness, hopefully I won't die from it, but I will die with it. It is still very hard to wrap my mind around all that has happened over the past 2 1/2 years. I've lost track on the chemos, I'm somewhere in the 70+ area. I am looking at 16 more, 8 real bad weeks and 8 not so bad weeks. I just got back from a week on Cape Cod MA. I haven't vacationed in 9 years. It was wonderful! We all had a great time, it was fantastic to spend time with my family. I think this was the best vacation ever because it was the first with Grif, and the first since being diagnosed with cancer.

On a side note, a very dear friend of mine is having some medical issues. Please pray for her