Another post

So after Monday's missing chemo, I went to my therapist on Tuesday. I had moved it to every other Tuesday so it would not be on the chemo weeks since I tend to be real hyper afer my treatment. I also felt funny with getting out of treatment and I wanted to talk with her. It wound up being a session where I talked a lot about how much I hate everything there is about the cancer and chemo. I also talked about how much my back hurts too. I was really getting depressed and she wound up asking me if I was suicidal. The few times I've been asked that question have always thrown me. As bad as I feel, I never get suicidal. I may wish I was dead but I don't feel like doing that. I could never do that to Dana and the kids and I just don't think it's a solution for me. Certainly not at this time at all and I would really have to be in a bad place with no options at all to even consider it. Even talking here about it is wigging me out. I think it's bad karma too.

I started this post on Nov 8th but did not post it then, not totally sure why. I probably didn't want to mention the "S" word in a post. My back is still killing me. I've been going to the chiro for two weeks and really have not gotten relief. I also had an accupressure treatment on Friday to see if that would work. I helped overall but it did not really lessen my back pain but it did something. At any rate, I have to go in tomorrow for the treatment. I'm not looking forward to it at all but I certainly can't complain.

On another note, I just watched the piece on 60 Minutes about Ed Bradley who died last week from a form of lukemia. I always like his stories and he just seemed to be a cool guy. I used to try to catch his Live from Lincoln Center radio broadcasts on NPR radio. He as a real fan of jazz. I was shocked when I heard that he died from that. I really had no idea at all. They were talking about how he had it years ago and it had come back with a vengance. That's the fear of everyone who has dealt with cancer I believe. I know that I have that feeling.

I Could Not Do It Today

I was supposed to get chemo today, but I was able to get them to give me the day off. I feel strange about it too. I have some legit reasons why I wanted to have the day off, but in the big picture, I just don't want to do it anymore. I know I have to suck it up and just take my medicine but I really have not gotten over the fact that I thought that I would be done with the chemo for Thanksgiving, and that is not happening. The last few times I went I found it so hard to do. I know I have to keep on with the treatments until my Onc says I can stop. I will be getting a scan in the beginning of December sometime. I'm REAL bad with dates now unless I have a calender in front of me. So I guess we shall see what the scan reveals. I doubt if it will be anything definitive, and that's probably a good thing. No news is good news, right? I just wish I knew when I might be able to stop it. I got off this week because Dana and I are going to see James Taylor this Friday and I really don't want to be dealing with any stomach issues and the way my schedule was set up, I would have been having chemo the Monday of Thanksgiving which would suck because I like to eat turkey and all of that. So now I was able to move everything over a week. A tradeoff was that I had to have the dermatologist dig at my infected Great Toe (their terminology) and numb it and cut more of the nail out. It really is one of the most painful things I've ever experienced in my life which says a lot. I'm also suffering now from chronic back pain. It's been an on and off thing for 30 years or so but lately it's real bad again. It's muscular this time instead of structural. At any rate, I'm trying to stretch and apply heat and cold to it. It still hurts.
So, that's about it for today I guess. I'm getting bored with both blogs but I'll most likely keep at it for now...