Walking Away From a Plane Crash

This week I survived a massive restructuring at work. I can't help but feel like there was a massive plane crash where over 100 people died and only 7 walked away alive. I was one of those 7. About 30 people from my group were affected, most were offered a choice of moving to Boston, or riding out the work until the end of the year. They made the stay till the end offer very tempting for people. I do feel some guilt over what happened. I have been working here for about 4 1/2 years. I had been a temp for 3 years and when they found out I had cancer, they were very suportive. I had your basic HMO plan so I was getting most of my treatments for cancer paid for, but I was not allowed to go to SK. They were out of my network. Then, 10 days before I was to be operated on, the company put me on staff so I could have better medical and could go to SK. I feel that without that chance I would not be doing as well as I am now. I know of someone who had his surgery at a different facility and his results were not as good as mine have been. So now I get back to the title of this post. I was told officially that because of my skill set I am being offered a choice to stay here. I know that it may be part of the story, it's not all of it. So many folks were only given the choice of Boston or no job. I know that there are going to be some people that will look at me like I got special treatment and maybe I did. I'll trade places with any of them, they can have some cancer and I'll find another job or move to Bosotn. it's not like going to Alaska. But I do feel some guilt about the whole thing, I know I'll get over it. I'll be curious to see what happens when the dust settles in a few months.

So I've been neglecting this blog and that is good. To me it seems like I am handling my situation much better than I used to. I do think the fact that I ahve my diet and the constipation thing under control somewhat is making a BIG difference. I went from 4 days of REAL BAD PAIN to 1-2 days of minor pain. So I guess that's it for now, I still have the toe thing going on but overall, I'm doing well, it's two years next month...

What Else?

So I went for a double dose of chemo today, that's the best part of my fucking day. My toe has been all sore and fucked up so I had them look at it. They sent me to the 10th floor to the Dermatologist. Her assistant looked at it, then the Dr came in. She proceeded to take some surgical scissors and start to cut the top right side of the nail off. No anesthesia, no foreplay, nothing. It hurt so fucking much. Then they start to prod it with giant q-tips and put silver nitrate on it. I thought I was going to hit the roof. It is starting to feel a bit better. Then I get the chemo, always fun, I'll cramp up tomorrow and that will suck big time. then my iwfe calls me afer I finally get home to tell me she hit a fucking deer with the van. Let's see, last year she had 4 accidents in Nov/Dec that cost us about $5000. She said the front of the van is all messed up, I'm sure that will be another $2000 at least. She is a shitty driver, she takes herself off her medication, doesn't deal with her issues with a shrink, can't cook and I'm not even getting laid at all.
FUCK IT, I've so had it with everything

My Left Toe

Well here's my fucking toe now. I bumped it slightly and it start to fucking bleed. I want to open this blog up real bad, I'm scared to death and I feel I can't tell anyone. I dread going into the city for another chemo, I hate it so much and I have a year to go at best, not to mention all of this foot crap. MOTHERFUCKER

Alrighty

So after having an extra two days off from chemo, I go back tomorrow for round #49. My fucking toe is really bothering me a lot and that is why I got the time off. I have to wear sandels now so my feet don't get all squished all day and it seems to help a little. so I wonder how long I will be at the office tomorrow. I feel strange since I told the one nurse that I thought she was great and she is my favorite. Now she backs away from me. I do that a lot it seems to women. She must see this a lot though and is wise to us cancer guys. A coworker of mine wants to go in with me when I get chemo sometime and make a day of it. She even offered to drive in with me at 6 am. I know her intentions are good and we would make a day of it but I feel funny because I really do like her a lot and if things went a certain way, I'd get in trouble I'm sure. This is my fucking life story lately. I'm distant from my wife and her from me, I want to sleep with practially every woman I see and look out if I start to know you, it gets even worse. I wonder is this is who I became, or is this who I always was. I know it's who I am now so that's the point I guess. I wonder if this is normal for cancer. I've fallen in love at least 10 times in the past 2 years. It sucks and it's great. Mostly it sucks because it not mutual or satisfied or right. I'm very fucked up I think

My Daily Routine

This is pretty much what I have every morning now. I take some vitamins (EFA, E, A&D and Selenium) plus Zoloft, Xanax, some stuff to keep my feet from swelling, magnesium, and some other shit that I'm too tired to go upstairs and look at the labels to find out. I also started making fresh juice every morning. I'm hoping that the mix will help promote health plus help with the constipation issues I have.