Like I'm Not Fucked Up Enough....

Here's another problem of mine. It's old news to those who (think) they know me. I like to think it's cancer related, but I don't even know anymore.

Ukulele Gently Weeps

Jake Shimabukuro performs his version of While My Guitar Gently Weeps by George Harrison using a ukulele.

Blahg

So here I am on my 2 month chemo break and I am not having the fun I hoped for. I'm a mess emotionally and often physically. I switch between getting hives on my arms and legs for no apparent reason that I can figure out and throwing up every morning because of a buildup of phlegm. I am also starting to get into my clingy stage with people I only know online. I've been there, done that and the friendships usually end up in the can. I don't know why I do it other than I feel the anonymity provides a safe haven for me to say things I normally might not say to someone. The thing is too that all of the people are really nice people (or that is how things seem and I think they are nice so I don't think I pretend they are nice) I tend to go full steam ahead and email them 40+ times a day. Sometimes I think it's in part a way of dealing (or not dealing) with feelings from Dana's actions in the past. I'll have an emotional relationship with someone (my interpretation, probably not theirs) and since it's not in the real world it's OK.

I like to think it's a by product of my cancer and the meds... who the fuck knows.
I go for a CT scan on the 29th of this month and then get the results on Feb 4th (?) Of course I'm getting terrified. The outcomes are like this:

• scan looks good, no change in tumor. Get another 2 months off
• scan looks not so good, tumor is larger. RFA (ablation) procedure done
• scan looks not good, multiple tumors. Operation
• scan looks the same, go back on weekly chemo

I'm surprised I put the one I put first, first. It's my most hopeful one but I don't think it's the one I'm gonna get...

that's it for now. Should I turn off comments? People visit but don't comment