Third Cycle - Number 41

Tomorrow marks the beginning of my third cycle of my current chemo cocktail. It will be number 17 of the CPT11 and Erbitux and my 41st overall. I'm scheduled for 8 weeks of weekly treatments, then a CT scan etc. This will take me to around Christmas, It was a pretty wild week with finding out my good news, which is real good, even though it's not over by any means. Work was good too. Some friends took me to lunch as a belated birthday and a good news cancer celebration, I had told a friend that if the news was not good, it could be like a last supper. On Friday, me and a friend took this guy out who just found another job. He's been a big supporter of mine since the beginning. His sister and Mom both have battled cancer and won, his sister with pancreatic cancer which isn't an easy one to beat. Plus this guy, who I shall call Mike and my friend, who I shall call Gail, both came to visit me in the hospital last year. Mike is also going to be a doner for some guy in his early 40's who has multiple myloma and needs a bone marrow transplant. Mike was the best match out of hundreds if not thousands of people. I just think that is so cool to be able to save someone's life. It's a close second to being a woman and giving birth I imagine. anyway, it's back to the city and it's supposed to be a nice day, plus it's Halloween. Hmmmm, I wonder who my nurse will be?

Thanks Everyone

Thanks everyone for your support and comments. I had a little better news than I had expected. The flip side to all of this is that I have to go through at best, another 8 weeks of chemo hell, Maybe that's the coin on it's edge, the flip side is that it would not be working and I would waste away or have surgery. I find my mood to be cautiously optimistic at best, my wife, being happy about the news, seemed to blow this off as well, you're ok now and out of the woods. I don't quite see it that way. What I feel this means is that the chemo is still working, and we will reevaluate this in 8 weeks. Just like I've been doing for 16 weeks. I most certainly do not see this as I'm cured. It really makes me a little pissed - her attitude that is. We had a fight before I went in to see the doctor. Dana feels that the doctor should be able to give me more facts about my condition. I don't see it that way. What we have here (is failure to communicate - ooopps, wrong movie) is the fact that I am on new protocols for colon cancer. If this was 5 years ago, I'd be dead. The data that is out there now on the internet, which by the way is not good or accurate (the 5 year survival for Stage IV is rare at best) stinks. I am part of the group of people that is creating the next bunch of data and survival statistics. I was talking to my brother about this and he said 'if Dana wants definate answers, then my Doctor could treat me with the drugs that were available 5 years ago. Then we'd know how long I'd live'. I'm trying to ride the crest of the wave in to the shore. I don't want it to collapse on me and drown me or have it pass me by. I want to stay right on top of the technology. If I can last 3 years, they may have new drugs that will keep me alive longer. I can see that this is hard on her too, but I think that I don't play this up so I make it seem like it's not as bad as it really is. Now, this is all strange because people I know (sort of ) read this plus my other blog so I must look like a nut job a lot. I have been finding that I am editing myself on this one which I never did before. So, that's where I'm at right now. I am glad that the past 16 weeks have been for something and that I'm getting 'better'. I'm not looking forward to the chemo, the rash, the hair falling out, the cramps, the manic behavior. Part of me is pissed because last night, I have no friggin knife at the table. I think she's just out to drive me insane sometimes. And...every night she leaves her eyeglasses in her van. Every night when she goes out to get them, she leaves the dome light on. Everynight, I have to go out right after her and shut it off. WTF? I guess I'm feeling better....

The Results are In, We Have a Winner

Things are going well. Continued shrinking of the tumors, 2 of them are barely visible. My CEA (cancer marker in my blood) went from 6.3 in june, to 5.6 in August, to 1.7 now.I'm staying on the Chemo for at least another 8 weeks, they we'll see what's up then.
film at 11 ;-)

Kayak Ride

For those of you playing at home, you know I have been having a rather rough week or two. I feel like the next page in my life is about to turn on Monday. I will be finding out how well the chemo has been doing with shrinking the tumors I have in my lungs from my primary cancer, which was Stage IV colon cancer. The last 2 CT scans I had showed that the liver is still clear which is a very good thing. Also, the last CT scan I had showed that the chemo I was getting for the first 8 weeks has been effective, the tumors shrunk significantly, adn I have reason to hope that the next 8 weeks of chemo I did will have the same results. I did like it better when I just had to worry about being crushed in my car on the way to work like a normal person worries (oh, you guys don't worry about that?) but cancer makes you more aware of the fact that we all are going to die at some point. I think I'd rather not know when and just be surprised. Anyway, after a very tough day (emotionally) which I was lucky to have friends like all you regular visitors, I saw the sun was setting and the sky was beautiful and since I knew rain was in the forecast, I decided to strink while the iron was hot, and go for a kayak ride to soak in the beauty of New York State in the Autumn. I was able to get Dana and Griffin to go with me too. As you may see, Dana has a winter coat on. I had only shorts and a tee shirt on (as usual) but that is a topic for my other blog on another day. I hope you enjoy the pictures as much as I enjoyed the ride.

Quick Update

I had the scan, it was routine. I'll get the results Monday.
I have a lot more I want to say, but no time to say it. Busy at work

Here it is, 10:30 pm. I can set my watch to the symptoms I get from this chemo. It happens about 1 pm on Wednesdays. I start to cramp, real bad. The pills I get seem to help a little but it still makes me lose focus at work. I can't believe that I work 4 full days every week. I'm loaded up with chemo and I'm fucking working (or trying to) I think one of the worst things about the chemo is how I just want to cry a lot. The physical pain is no picnic, but the emotional stress is very tough to handle at times. I can't just take 3 days off every other week, even if I did, what would I wind up doing. I really don't want to just be home, I can't go swimming anymore, too cold. I told my older son that I was staying at my brother's tomorrow night because I am getting the scan. He asked me if I thought I'd be done with the chemo. I told him I think I'll have to do some more. I just wanted to cry. I feel so fucking alone!

On Course

Here I am, right on schedule. Two days after the double whammy chemo and I'm getting the usual stomach cramps. It does feel like I've been kicked in the gut, hard. At least I never had a problem with vomiting (except when I had the bowel obstruction which I won't revisit). I'm also having a worse time with the dry skin, my fingers on my right hand (my guitar finger picken one's) are all splitting on the tips. After 39 chemo's, I'm really kind of used to all of this. It beats being dead for one, and I know people who are much worse off than I am. I'm a little nervous about what lies in store for me. I'll know next Monday after my scan this week. I think it's more of the same...I can deal with that.

How Do You Lead Your Life?

I was asked a great question today by a friend of mine. They asked me if I lived my life like Jesus and if so, is it a conscious choice. I really never thought much about it. I went through 8 years of Catholic School, my parents thoguht they were doing the right thing even though they were not very relgious or spiritual people. I'm not a member of any religious organization and have not been for most all of my adult life. That's neither here, nor there, I just thought I'd throw that in so you would have some sort of barometer as to my sprituality. I replied by saying something like I try to live my life in a good way and treat people with caring and respect. Having thought a little more about it, I suppose that was how people like Jesus, and Buddah, and the American Indians among others tried to live theirs. I want to treat people well and to leave things a little better than I found them.









Dylan and I about 5-6 years ago when we lived in our apartment in NJ
(photoshop treatment added)

# 39

I just had my # 39 chemo today. It wasn't too bad as far as it goes. It usually gets worse as the week progresses. They had to fill and flush my pump. There was a minor problem with it. I got into the city early, so I walked cross town to and from the hospital. On my way back I gave a homeless person $5. They looked like they needed it and weren't just going to buy booze with it. It was nice to do a RAK again.

I thought I was done with this post, but I guess I'm not. The chemo and cancer really get me very emotional at times, this being one of them. I never in my life thought I'd have to deal with something like cancer. I'm surprised with how I've risen to the challenge, and I'm so thrilled with all of the support that I have gotten, not so much from family (though it has brought us all closer together) they don't surprise me, but there are some people at work that have helped me out tremendously and continue to do so, they are such great friends that I care deeply about. They know who they are although most of them don't know I blog. And there are you people too out there in TV (blogger) land, who don't know me from Adam, but support me and are always there to talk to. My wife is also tremendous with her support 'cause I know this is not easy on her either. I'm just glad I got it and not her or the boys. Sometimes I think I got cancer because I can handle it.

Now, I'm going to make a post on my other site that you would think was written by another person...maybe it was

Too Busy

I really want to fucking scream today. I'm too busy to Blog it. I'm overwhelmed with everything. Chemo tomorrow, the shitty one. I'll probably blog while I wait. To those of you who 'held me hand' lately, thanks....

My Nurses

This week has been pretty good. I feel good healthwise, no stomach pain, just the usual post surgery stuff I've been dealing with for over a year. Well, and the itchy rash from the chemo and I'm losing more hair but I still have more than many guys my age and certainly more than many cancer peeps so I can't complain. I had a lot of fun blogging too this week. There are a lot of great people out there that I've gotten to know. Now, I've spoken about my Oncologist before. She is so smart, so talented so not warm and fuzzy. I'm not paying for warm and fuzzy. The nurses on the other hand are all the most wonderful group of people I have ever met. I can't even begin to tell you how many crushes I've had. It really takes a special kind of person to be a nurse for cancer people I think. I've always felt like they really care about me and have done whatever they can to make me comfortable during treatments. I've had the pleasure of sort of rotating between two of them and it's been as fun as chemo can be. One is Bridget, who I don't have a picture of and the other is Stacy.



















There is also this strange nurse who wants to take my temperature (the hard way)

Chemo Caps

Well, this has not happened yet, but I can see it coming down the pike. I seem to be losing hair at a faster rate then before. Now I know this is the era of 'Bald is Cool', but I'm not sure if 'Bald is Cool with a rash on the noggin'. This chemo is a dermatological nightmare with the rash and itchyness. So I thought why not check out what is available for me when/if I need to get a doo-rag. The internet is amazing becaouse you can type in just about anything to search on and you will find it. There are probably fried hamster turds out there. I'm way too busy to search, maybe later

Choice # 1 - The Yin-Yan doo-rag
Not too bad, kind of cosmic. People might confuse me with
being a ying-yang.








Choice #2 - Have a Nice Day - I don't think so,
too happy plus I don't look good in yellow







Choice #3 - Chile Peppers, hmmmm,
I've been called a hot head before.







Choice #4 - Studded Biker look.
Yes, a real conversation piece at work









Choice #5 - Bingo, the Fuck You Doo-Rag









I suppose I could go corporate and
put the company logo on it, hmmmmm

Breast Cancer Awareness Month*

October is Breast Cancer Awareness* month. To me, every month is breast awareness month, but being someone who has been affected by cancer, I am more aware of this now. Breast cancer is not something that affects only women either. I had a neighbor who was in his early 60's who developed it (he didn't even have man-breasts). The long and short of it is that cancer sucks. I realized that women aren't thrilled about having breast exams just like men aren't too keen on the ol' prostate exam, but ignoring it will not prevent you from developing cancer. So I guess my point is, if you are 'at risk' or it's time to get one, get an exam. I put a few links down here, one is for info and the other helps to fund free mamograms for women.
NBCAM Site
Fund a Mamogram site

*As a public service, if you send me a photo of your breasts,
I'd be more then happy to give them a look-sie and give my opinion.
(This is a joke although no photos will be turned away.
I may have cancer but I'm not dead)

This may not be for everyone

I found this picture either I took, or my wife took of my scars about 1 month after I got home from the hospital. The scars are still there now, although they are not as pronounced. If you care to see them, click here, if you'd rather not, I don't blame you at all. I probably shouldn't even post this but what the heck.

Did I snap out of it?

I've been in a funk the past week, it really sucked. I went to the bank today to deposit a bunch of checks we had. It's pouring out, I enjoy that. It's been way too dry around here. I brought 'The Grif' with me. I told him if he were good, he'd get a lolli-pop. Well, he was good and they didn't have any lolli-pops. Can you imagine that??? So we had to go to a drug store (for drugs) and I bought 2 bags of lolli-pops. I went back to the bank and gave them to the teller and told her it was because they were all good girls today! She was surprised. I think it may have snapped me out of this funk, at least for a while...

Old News

I was looking through old bookmarks and found this. I was on Avastin, now I'm on Erbitux. I'm not sure why I feel so drained and run down (other than that I've had 37 chemo's so far). It always feels like I've been kicked in the stomach the weeks I get the double dose. I really don't feel like being at work, I don't feel like being at home either, I don't know what I want anymore....

A Rather Shitty Week it's Been

One year ago yesterday, October 6th, I was released from Sloan Kettering after 16 days in the hospital. I was only supposed to be there for 7-10 days. I learned some patience there believe it or not after being disappointed that I would not be leaving on time. Now when someone asks me how much longer I'm on chemo or anything I just say I don't know, because I don't, and they don't either. When I got home that day, I puked my guts out. It was good to be home though.
Lately I'm noticing that my eyebrows and my hair on my head is thinning a lot. I guess I've been lucky that it's lasted this long (37 chemo's) MF'r!

What did I tell ya!

No More Wall... This should be my only problem...Now If I could only get ther to put up some FUCKING CURTAINS after 16 years of marriage I'd be on to something!

Here ya go

My wife told me she has PMS (Piss-off Me Severely) this week, and I seem to have CMS (Chemo-induced Maniac Syndrome) I bet she took more of the wall apart today...

Crazy Again

Why is it that just about every fucking night I don't have either a glass or knive or something at the fucking dinner table. It's bad enough I have to do practically all of the fucking cooking, tonight I go out for chinese food (because you don't take shit out to defrost even though you're home all day) and the fucking table isn't set right. Everyone else has a fucking glass.

FUCK

And another fucking thing, we've had this conversation like 4 times about the retaining wall in our front yard. It's there for a FUCKING REASON! To KEEP or RETAIN the lawn out off the FUCKING DRIVEWAY. Why must you keep taking it APART! DON'T YOU GET IT???? I come back after getting chemo yesterday and again you took down more of the FUCKING WALL.

Pictures from NYC

I had a little fun with PhotoShop with these photo's

Lincoln Center









Fountain at Lincoln Center












Building in front of Lincoln Center










Time Warner Building












Time Warner Building












Scultpture by Julliard - yes Lincoln Center again









If I EVER get an ass like this, I hope someone shoots me!

RAK

I did some good deeds today. I was driving home from work (yes, I went in) and I saw some guy walking on a highway carrying a gas can. I turned around and stopped and asked if he needed a ride. He say 'sure' and hooed in. I normally do not pick up people (especially guys) but I thought that if I was out of gas, I'd want a ride. I brought him to a gas station and back to his car. As it turned out, he is a NYC motorcycle cop. He gave me his name and work number and said if I ever needed anything, to give him a call (Ladies, he looked like George Clooney, if anyone wants his number....) It just felt good to help someone out. One more 'pat on my back', the toaster oven at work pooped out about 2 months ago. I stopped at a store today and bought a new one. I left it there with a sign that read 'Let Them Eat Toast'. It's the little things in life...