So here I am on my 2 month chemo break and I am not having the fun I hoped for. I'm a mess emotionally and often physically. I switch between getting hives on my arms and legs for no apparent reason that I can figure out and throwing up every morning because of a buildup of phlegm. I am also starting to get into my clingy stage with people I only know online. I've been there, done that and the friendships usually end up in the can. I don't know why I do it other than I feel the anonymity provides a safe haven for me to say things I normally might not say to someone. The thing is too that all of the people are really nice people (or that is how things seem and I think they are nice so I don't think I pretend they are nice) I tend to go full steam ahead and email them 40+ times a day. Sometimes I think it's in part a way of dealing (or not dealing) with feelings from Dana's actions in the past. I'll have an emotional relationship with someone (my interpretation, probably not theirs) and since it's not in the real world it's OK.
I like to think it's a by product of my cancer and the meds... who the fuck knows.
I go for a CT scan on the 29th of this month and then get the results on Feb 4th (?) Of course I'm getting terrified. The outcomes are like this:
- scan looks good, no change in tumor. Get another 2 months off
- scan looks not so good, tumor is larger. RFA (ablation) procedure done
- scan looks not good, multiple tumors. Operation
- scan looks the same, go back on weekly chemo
I'm surprised I put the one I put first, first. It's my most hopeful one but I don't think it's the one I'm gonna get...
that's it for now. Should I turn off comments? People visit but don't comment
2 comments:
Leave comments on. Just because they don't leave comments doesn't mean your words aren't having an effect (letting people know what it's like to have chemo). People don't know what to say to others going through cancer treatments. They're afraid. We all fear the same things. So here is a comment from me. I'm sorry you are going through cancer and its treatment. It does suck. But every day is a good day. Even the bad ones. I hope you don't get too nauseated. I hope your skin doesn't get too "hivey".
Thanks MaryLea for your comment. I tend to get rather moody at times from the chemo/stress etc. I know that some people are not sure what to say to me at times. Before I had this I would not have known what to say either. If you looked back at all you may have seen that I used to post here all of the time but lately I rarely post. It was getting too negative.
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