It's amazing how much I rely on my medications. I didn't take anything for pain yet today or any of the many other meds I take, and all I can think of saying is FUCK EVERYTHING.
It occurred to me that my new normal is like the same ones I've had for the past 26 months. I'm either on fucking chemo, or I get a break from chemo because I had another part of my insides cut out of me. Hardly a break, ya know? I'm also participating in an acupuncture pain study. They taped these small needles onto various parts of my body that may or may not be in the right places depending on if I have the placebo ones or the real ones. I get phone calls asking me about my pain. Is it a zero (no pain) or a ten (much pain). How the fuck do I know. You dive into a pool of water and you're wet, that's it. If they asked me 3 years ago how much pain I'm in, I'd have a much different answer. Now, I've been in constant pain since Sept 04. Period. Some days I act better than others and some days I take 14 percocets. Do you have a fucking 15 on the pain scale lady? That's where I'm at! I'm so tired of this grind. Now I'm off chemo while I heal (at least I can shit in peace) then I get an x-ray on May 18th along with a CT scan that day. I will also see the lung surgeon, then see the foot doctor who will no doubt cut up my nails with no anesthesia. Then the following week I will see my Onc who will tell me the wonderful news about how we don't know why your abdominal lymph nodes are enlarged but we'll hit you with another 40 rounds or so of chemo. Gee, will it be the same stuff or something else? I turned off comments because I don't want to hear any. No pep talks. I'm sure in a day or so I'll be able to fake it again and will turn them back on.
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