The Plan for the New Year

So Christmas has come and gone. I was so excited to post tonight, but I called someone and lost my drive to do so. Well I wanted to post about some of the new side effects I'm having. This is my big toe, this is my big toe on Erbitux. It's getting rather fucked up. It's sore as shit and it's bumming me out. I'm trying to find things that can help it but I'm not having a lot of luck. I guess staying off it would help. I want this year to be a turnaround year for me. I feel like I'm stuck in my rut again. After I was first diagnosed, I had a good attitude. I felt lucky to be alive and savored every day. Then I hit bottom and got depressed. I drank too much and didn't give a shit about anything. I was doing my chemo, kayaking every friggin day and just waiting for the operation. I didn't even think ahead of that. Nothing about recovering from it or anything. Little did I know that the post-op stuff was going to be that difficult. Well it was and I'm still not right. I feel very lost spiritually and I don't know what to do. I know I need to find something and I feel that this is the year for me. I want to turn things around and get them to where I was after I was first diagnosed, not even where I was before cancer because that was not a very good spot either. So that is one of my plans for this year. I would like to check out a church up by me but there is the one in NJ that I'm comfortable with. My biggest fear is that I'm going to become religious. I don't know why I fear that, but I do. I think I don't want to become preachey. Let me stop for now and try to finish this post later