New York New York, a Wonderful Town...

Okay, it's NYC day! I got up REAL early today (4:15 am) and was able to be at SK by 7 am. Hopefully it will be an early in, early out deal. By early out, I hope to be home by 2-3 pm. All I have to do is get pumped up with chemicals (chemotherapy - chemical therapy). Actually, one of the drugs is not considered chemo (Erbitux) but is actually a drug that targets a certain aspect of the cancer. If I didn't have chemo brain, I might remember what that actually means, but the point is that it does not just go in there and kill everything like most chemo does. It attacks something that is unique to the cancer. One drug I 'did' was Avastin and the thing that it did was to stop or slow down the growth of new capilaries. Tumors need blood (food) to survive. The theory is that if you can starve the tumor, it will shrink. It did do that for the spots in my liver. So there you go, Chemo 101.

The past few days have been a major period of extreme mind-fu*k for me. I can't believe all of the stuff that my brain conjures up. Most of it not especially good either. Those who 'know' me get the inside scoop on my highs and lows. You others could probably tell by reading all of my posts (something to do if your TOO happy). My mind always was great at playing tricks on my anyway, but the combo of medication I take on a daily basis just to get through a normal day, on top of all of the chemo I've taken over 18 months (today is treatment #29) has made me quite the basket case at times. I do a fairly good job of pretending I'm normal, I am able to function at work, function at home and socialize with people (although this rash I have has made me real self-conscious, I'll not go to meetings or just hide in my cubicle most of the day). I see how emotionally fragile I have become. I used to be someone who hid all of my emotions inside, now I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and it has gotten me in trouble a few times. I should save all of my 'stuff' for my shrink's couch. I would have thought that I would have learned my lesson after last year's experience, which STILL haunts me. I wonder sometimes if having this 'bummer blog' as I like to refer to it as, is a good idea or not. I think I will keep it because I have an outlet for myself. Thinking back, I can't believe I've been dealing with this since Feb 25th, 2004. It seems like an eternity, I almost can't remember life before cancer..

I plan on updating my story while I wait to get treatment. By the way, my vitals are fine, as usual. BP 128/77 HR 80 good blood counts too.