# 47

I went in for # 47 today. I had missed one week because I have been having some foot problems, so I was on an antibiotic for a week and they cut me some slack. I don't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. Having that week off just made me realize even more how much I can't stand this whole thing and there ain't nothing I can do about it. Not to mention that even the best case scenario is that I do another 4 months of the treatments and the tumors disappear, then just to make sure they are gone, my Oncologist would keep me on for another 6 months. Which means that under the most favorable circumstances, I'm looking at close to a year of this (that's if they disappear afer 4 months - no guarantee they will) which sucks. I know I shouldn't look ahead and take one step at a time and all of that, great advice, I wish I could be saying those words to someone instead of hearing them said to me. As much as I like blogging I am beginning to wonder if this chemo blog should go underground or not. I know too many of you now and it makes me uncomfortable to be bitching to you or however you want to look at it. I know you're all very supportive and all of that, and I guess part of why I started this was to get sympathy or support or something. I know part of it was to be able to share some of what I am going through but trust me, it's different when it's people you don't know at all, then it becomes people you still don't know at all but they kind of know you and you kind of know them. (You Blogger Folks) I edit myself all of the time now when I never would do that and it goes against what I was trying to do I guess. I'm not asking for advice and I dont' know what I am going to do about it right now.

There Are Many Among Us

Several years ago I visited Classmates.com and filled out some of the info. I did not want to pay for the service so I tried to get what I could for free. Well I got an email from them for something, so I visited the site again. I saw that there were some of my classmates that I actually gave a shit about there, so I tried to see if I could email one of them. To my surprise, even though they wanted me to sign up for a Gold Membership which I did not do, it went through. Patty was a friend of mine from Catholic grammar school through High School. We did not pal around really, but I do remember (and so does she) how she kissed me in the coat room of Sister Mary Karen's classroom. It must have been quite a kiss because we both remembered it and that was 40 years ago. We grew up in a small town so everyone pretty knew everyone else. So it was great that she got my email yesterday. I told her that I'm doing well and have 2 kids etc. I didn't mention the "C" word. She wrote back saying she was fine and has 4 kids but that her brother and her sister both have cancer. Well, I wrote back and said that I didn't want to mention it at first, but I too have cancer. She replied that she too has been dealing with cancer for a few years. She has a form of skin cancer (mutiple myloma?) and is doing well with it, her brother who went to school with my brother has stage V thyroid cancer and her younger sister has stage III colon cancer. All diagnosed within 18 months of each other. It was so great to hear from Patty but I was shocked to hear what was happening in her family. We are planning on staying in touch now. I'm glad I followed my instincts that day and sent that email.

Yippee, I Passed

As most of you know by now, I passed my CT Scan. In other words, many of the tumors that were present on my July scan, are now gone, kaput, history and about 3-4 of the other ones that were a dark white color on the July scan, are now a ghostly white color which means that they are disappearing. The doctor used the words "I am very happy with the results". She doesn't throw around the words happy or very that often. I think she may have even smiled but don't let that get around, it could ruin her reputation. I have been having trouble with my toes hurting and the nails getting all sore so her nurse told me to take my shoes and socks off and wait for the Doc because she doesn't have time to waste. Some I'm in the examination room with my Brother and we're waiting for her. The next thing you know is her nurse tells us to go into her office because she had the scans up on her computer side by side for comparison. So I'm in there in my bare feet just standing on her carpet in the office of one of the world's top oncologists. I just found that funny. Since there is a possiblilty of getting a foot infection, she put me on an antobiotic for a week and I get to take a week off from the chemo. Whooppeeee! I had also asked her about what can be done to help my fingers stop splitting. She said that many patients are using Crazy Glue to mend them. I'm not sure about that one....
I'm sure I'll have something to bitch about this week. Thanks everyone for your email comments. I don't expect you to post here too unless you want to, I won't stop you.

One Day to Go

Thanks everyone who has commented. I woke up today with a slight Percocet hangover. I went to bed at around 2 am (again)then I got up at 6:30 with Dana, she was playing at a church this morning, and made coffee then went back to bed until 9:30. My feet are killing me again. Now I know why I took so many percocets last night. Right away the kids are at me to go to their cousins who live up the street. I don't mind them going but I need to wake up and snap out of this. Dylan gets such a snotty attitude at times, I want to smack him. I've never hit them (except I smacked Dylan on the ass when he was about 3-4 because he slammed me in the arm with a baseball bat, it was a reflex and I didn't hurt him) but sometimes I want to, or just pick him up and screem in his face. I know that's not how to parent and I won't do that, but that's how I feel. Call DYFUS I guess. Anyway, I just feel a lot of pain in the old footsies that I'll probably have to medicate the fuck out of me again, not to mention that I'm getting antsy about tomorrow. I will go into work for a few hours to distract myself and to work, but there is this whole issue with the boss being hard to understand with what he expects us to do. He's going on vacation and he dumped this project on my co-worker and my laps. He gives up shitty directions and looks at us like we're from fucking Mars when we ask questions. My co-worker is ready to get off of the team and I can't say I blame her, but I hope she doesn't for my own selfish reasons. so I guess I don't know what to fucking complain about at all. Part of me just wants to go apeshit and scream my head off or do a video blog of me freaking out. That would be fun I bet.
On a lighter note....I did just register a new domain name www.phillieg.net and I may move my blogs there. I did it because it's cheap for one, and I want to be able to but vieos and songs there and not have to worry about other servers and shit like that. Also I want to use it to try working on a database and other stuff. Well, I don't feel tons better, but I don't feel any worse. I've got bills to pay

Waiting for Results

I thought I'd try going back to a typed post instead of the videos. I know some of you can't see them due to platform issues, connection speed or whatever.
I had my followup CT scan on Thursday, 12/8 and I'll get my results on Monday afternoon. Normally I would see my Onc in the morning but she is getting ready to go on vacation so everyone wants a piece of her next week. I'm expecting more good news which means to me that the tumors in my lungs are still shrinking (maybe some will be gone) and there is nothing happening in my liver. What also comes with the good news is that I will have to endure yet another 8 weeks of treatments which means more stomach cramps, which are getting to the impossible to deal with stage, along with more skin rashes and splitting fingertips. Oh, and yes, I have a new one now. My toes are splitting just like my fingers are. This really sucks because I have to jam them into shoes everyday, it hurts just putting socks on. So I want to compile a list of concerns/complaints for my Onc for Monday. I also want to see what dietary things I can do to help lessen the side effects. I hope to meet with or set up an appointment with a dietician. So after this fourth possible round of chemo, it will be 2 years since my diagnosis. Does that make me a 2 year survivor?

This Round is Over

	If the movie doesn't play, you can try this link or right click it and save to the desktop. Looking at the Three of these that I did this week, I realize that this is an interesting way to let everyone know what is going on for one, these have all been done on the first take with no editing or script (I know, they seem seamless) and I also realize that I started each of these off with "Hey"

One Year Ago

	If the movie doesn't play, you can try this link or right click it and save to the desktop. Don't freak out people, I'm ok. This is normal for me every other week.

Chemo # 45 - The Movie

	If the movie doesn't play, you can try this link or right click it and save to the desktop

Blah

Here it is the day after Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for with having good friends and family and for being around another year. I think I'll have many more but you never know when the cancer will come back, and I have to get rid of it first. I've really been feeling blah as of late. I don't quite know what the deal is. Work has been ok although my boss has been setting me up (unintentionally I think) so I look stupid in meetings. I have to talk to him about that. And there is still that tension with certain people there. Home life is ok, the usual. Not enough time together, the kids are at us, my fingers are killing me, my abdoman is still messed up, I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach a lot. I feel lost and overwhelmed I think. I don't see this feeling going away in the near future either. I don't know when it will if ever. I can't wait until I make it to the 5 year mark being cancer free. This Feb it will be 2 years since being diagnosed, but I guess that I don't start counting until I'm cancer free? I don't know..

I'm Back

Well that was a waste of time and energy. I have a lot of complaints. Mainly my fucking fingers hurt and it's hard to type.

Another Shitty day

Today started out bad and got worse. My wife IM'd me like we often do in the morning, and she didn't ask me how I was feeling. It bothered me a bit because she often gets wrapped up in her own stuff. That's not a crime and I'm not too shocked. Then I had to get ready for a meeting, so I talked to my boss about what issues if any had to be dealt with. I asked specific questions and got what I thought were specific answers. Once again, I looked stupid because the issues that I brought up were already known to the people who were involved with them. i also had to directly address the woman who hates me about something and I was blown off and made to look stupid. I have to talk with the boss and the manager about this. I can look stupid by myself. I took a percocet and feel better now....

Dermatological Nightmare

Here's some nice photos of what is happening lately to my body. The one on the left is my calf. Normally my calf muscle is well defined (not to brag, but I have nice legs, not chicken legs). Now my calves are swollen and the rash is on them too as well as my thighs. Not only does it itch, but it also burns and if I bend down, they almost feel like they are going to explode. This is something new, I am getting this checked out today by the nurse. The other lovely photo is of my right hand. It really does not do it justice, but my fingertips are all getting split and cracked. This seems to run in cycles where I'll have a bad week or so, then it gets somewhat better. It sucks because I love to play my guitar, but it's hard to play with bleeding fingers. I guess the 'good' news is that because of all of the pain I have with the cramps from the CPT11, I was able to get some percocet. They don't help with the cramps, but I don't mind as much.

Ok, this just in. Because of my legs and stomach being swollen, my Onc ordered a sonogram of my abdomen. I found out two good things. One is that there are no blood clots in the liver (which was a concern) and two, I am having a girl!
This sucks, I wish I was OUT OF HERE!

More Bad News

I don't want this to be about bad news all of the time, but this really sucks. A friend of Dana's from high school, Sigrid, her daughter had been battling brain cancer for about 5 years. She is only 11. She died the other day. Dana is going to be playing at a memorial service on Sunday. Hug your kids if you have them.

Great American Smokeout

I'm sure this is no surprise coming from me to all of you. I used to smoke, my cancer is not related to smoking (I think, I have colon cancer and I never stuck a butt in my butt). In case people are not aware of this, CANCER SUCKS. If you smoke, as I know some of you do, please try to quit even if it's only for one day. I am such a weak-willed person, I thought I'd never quit. that was 16 years ago. I did it with hypnosis. Here's a link with some info. Lecture over

Why Do So Many People Suck?

I work with a guy, I really don't know him well, but he seems like a friendly guy, rather quiet. I have not seen him in two weeks and I figured he took some time off. I found out that he was leaving a party at his cousins two weeks ago and was robbed and severly beaten. He was in a coma for over a week. He has fucking heel marks on his head from where he was stomped on. Lately too, I've been seeing a lot of stomping on people in the Blog world. People seem to think that everyone and everything is fair game. There's a thin line between busting chops and just harassing people and being downright mean. I think it really sucks, people either don't put themselves in other people's shoes enough, or they are just mean people who don't give a fuck. I'm probably just very naive or too chemo'd out, I feel like what you see is what you get with me, but others appear to be one thing, then you see they are something else. This applies to the real world too, not just here. This shouldn't be a news flash for me, but it is. Maybe I'm just losing my desire to do this blogging stuff or I may just go underground with this one.
-whatever

Lost a Friend

I worked with a woman who I became friends with over the time I worked where I work. I would always say hello to her and she would say hello to me too. I knew she had some form of cancer because of her wigs she wore or her real short hair. I never asked her what she had or anything and I just treated her like a regular person like she was. In Feb 04, I was first diagnosed with cancer. I found her to be very aproachable as someone I could talk to and find out some information. I think she had some kind of ovarian cancer, but I really cant' remember now. She had gone through numerous treatments, but they would work for a while, then stop working. About 4-5 months ago she started a new treatment that I think knocked her for a loop. I always kept an eye open for her but she didn't return to work. She lost her battle last night. I'll miss her...

Sunday

I was/am having a real shitty day. I feel like everyone's at me today. I took a ride in the kayak and it helped a bit. Here's some pictures. If I look pissed and confused, I capture the real me then.

Here's a horrible picture of me, but that's me now, rash and all. Man, I look like Frankenstein with the kayak coming out of my neck like bolts









My Ride












This was at the other end of the lake,
if I go straight ahead, I'll be back by home









My Ride









Walton Lake from earth.google.com

I'm Done!

Ok, this is my easy week as far as the chemo goes. But today, I ran in to that woman I work with who hates me and I said Hi, and she blatantly ignored me. So now I really get it, it's her fucking problem. She doesn't exist anymore in my world.
She can't even be civil.
I can be cured of the cancer, she'll always be a jerk.

~ no comments allowed on this puppy

Almost Through It

I have been getting this one drug, CPT11, since October of last year. It's the one that causes all of the cramping. I've had 25 rounds of it so far out of the 42 total chemo's I've done.
That freaks me out! I still have at least 3 more cycles of that over the next 7 weeks then I find out how much more I have to do.
Anyway, enough of the pity-party.
I did just get a new prescription from my MD.

Here we go again

Like a swiss timepiece, the fucking stomach cramps begain again. Just 2-3 days of intense pain, then moderate pain for another few days. Plus I feel like I'm losing my mind (again)