I Miscounted, it's been 33 chemo's

Friday - Feel like shit

It's almost the end of a long week. Blogging is getting boring, cancer is getting boring. I still have a lot of abdominal pain, hopefully today will be the worst of it and things will turn around. It feels like I've been kicked in the stomach (again). But hey, you've all got your own problems don't you...

I Think I'm Done for a While

It's not working anymore...

Clearing The Aire - Internet Paranoia

I've gotten emails from people concered about what I've mentioned to my therapists. Let me make one thing perfectly clear (I am not a crook-wrong speech). I've mentioned on this blog that I am in therapy. Aside from dealing with the cancer and chemo, I also have 'other issues' not related to this. I tend to let a lot, if not all of it hang out in this Blog. I see a psychologist to deal with my cancer issues, plus other issues that I should have dealt with years ago in the 'real world'. Rarely has any of my Blogging come up in my therapy other than to say that I find it theraputic and I've met some very supportive people that I like. I also see a psychiatrist to handle some medication that I take to help with out with the uncertainty of my mortality at this point in time. I would not aire my dirty laundry in the Blog if it did pertain to anyone.
Pretty simple.
Have a nice day ;-)

Here we go again...Round #31

I can't believe I'm been doing this on a weekly basis or bi-weekly basis for over 19 months. I got into the city to SK at 7:30 am. I left the house at 5:40 am. I pretty much cruise in and avoid traffic and now my car has a radio and AC. I got my blood checked, I still have some and my red and white and platelettes are great. No problem, right? Well last week when I saw my Oncologist, they did a full blood work. The measure my CEA, which tells me if there is cancer present in my blood and is not the final word in tests, but my numbers were in the 170's and then they got down to like 3-5 so that is good, and my LFT or Liver Functions. The blood that is taken for that test takes 2 days or so to get the results. I haven't been following it as of late. I figure no news is good news. For some reason, I called last week to find out what my numbers are. They told me they couldn't give me that info over the phone. I firgured what's the big deal? Then I thought I'd find out today when I am physically there. Well, the Oncologist has to tell me, she is in the main hospital on Tuesdays. They can't give me this info. WTF????? It's not like it's the receipe for fucking Coca-Cola or anything. I mean, I can find out how to build a nuclear device if I wanted but they can't tell me my CEA. I wouldn't care if the posted it in Times Square. It really pisses me off but my Onc is a real hard ass who has no sense of humor, she's probably the best in the US if not the world so I guess I have to choose my words carefully if I say anything at all. I went for a double dose of psychotherapy today which was good. I had some things to sort out and they were very helpful, insightful and I am making progress and learning from mistakes so that's what it's all about. Now comes the fun part, mild psychosis from the steriods and the chemo, with a side order of stomach cramps for 4-5 days with extra rash on the side (and the face). Repeat next week.....For any 'newbies', I've updated the My Story part on the side of this blog which is sort of a chronological diary of my diagnosis, blah, blah, blah

Sometimes a Joke is Just A Joke...

A man goes into his shrinks office and tells his shrink he has 'imaginary friends'. His shrink says 'don't worry, lot's of people have imaginary friends'. The man says 'The problem is that they are real people, I just imagine they are my friends' ;-)

Back at S.K. for #31. Shit, I can't believe that I've that many chemo's so far and still have my hair. That's a lot of junk to be putting into my system. Now I have 8 more to go before getting reevaluated. Hopefully I will continue with my progress. I do a double header with the shrinks today. Psychologist, then Psychiatrist. Up the medication, full steam ahead. I'm actually using much less of the meds. I think all of this is helpful. I'm still working on things but it's not an easy process to change your behavior especially if it's destructive. Gilda's may be out for a while, scheduling problems with my wife's schedule of teaching violin. We'll work something out...

Happy Weekend

This has been a good weekend, the first in a while. Last Monday I got some good news that my tumors in my lungs are shrinking. At least the last 2 months have not been for nothing. Friday, Dana and I got out to see a movie, The 40 Year Old Virgin. Hey, it wasn't Gone With the Wind but it was funny and what we expected. Then, last night we went out to dinner at a pretty good Mexican restaurant. My sister watched the kids and offered to drive them home. I dropped them off at 5 pm and they were coming home around 10:30. Our older son asked what we were going to be doing. I said that we were going out to dinner to which he replied 'dinner for 5 1/2 hours?'. Then I said we might go see a movie to which our younger son said 'but you just went to the movies last night'. I wanted to just say to them 'Look, Mommy and I are going to have a playdate. OK?
We did, and it was great!

Christ, Chemo #31 starts Tuesday....

The end is near...

Of summer that is. It sure went quickly. I probably only have a week or two to swim before the water gets too cold (under 70 degrees). I hope I get my self out kayaking more. I did get tot the US Open this past Thursday, that was great. I wrote about it on my other Blog. I did get good news about my lung tumors this week, they are shrinking. I'm not looking forward to more chemo, but at least it is working. I feel rather normal (as in old normal) today. I hope it lasts. We are heading out for a nice dinner for two tonight, then heading home sans kids. my sister is watching them and will return them later in the evening. The weather is gorgeous so I hope to do some yardwork and watch some of the Open. Not much else to report, I like it that way...

My Life Feels Like a Lie

I just found out the other day that the chemo is working. I'm guardedly happy. I just feel today that I live a lie. Not a happy feeling. I'd probably feel this even if I didn't have cancer.

Significant Shrinkage

I went to NYC today to meet with my Oncologist and to go over the results from Saturday's CT scan. My wife went in with me and we met my brother and his wife there. After getting the blood work done, we were surprised to get in to see the Doc in a relatively short amount of time. She basically came in and said 'there is significant shrinkage in my lung tumors' and that 'we are going to continue with the treatments'. I was expecting the word shrinkage, but I was happy to hear significant in front of it. I did get a printout of the report, but it is like reading a legal document so I will just go by the short and sweet version she supplied. They are also going to try something that could help with the cramping I get in my stomach with the CPT11. So right now, I am scheduled for 4 more treaments, then I meet with a nurse, then probably 4 more then another CT scan. Bottom line, I am very happy that the chemo is doing what it should be and that I am having a very favorable response to it. I'm not looking forward to more chemo because it sucks and I really fucking hate it, but at least it is helping.
Thanks everyone for your support.
Love to all
-phil

Countdown to Tomorrow

It's 9:40 pm, sunday night. I had my latest CT scan yesterday which went, well, like a CT scan. I've had probably over a dozen (maybe even a bakers dozen) over the past 19 months. I will say they've made great strides in the barium drink you have to have for the prep. If I could only throw a shot of rum in it... I will be trying to get to sleep soon. My sister was going to drive over from her house which is a half hour away to be here at 5:30 am so Dana and I could go into the city together. But Dana's sister (who lives a half mile away) will be able to watch the boys. Believe me, it's big deal, but that's another blog entry. Dana normally does not go with me for the chemos at my request. I mean, they are boring, I'm boring when I go, I don't feel like talking so I'm not the life of the party so to speak. Whenever there is a consultation with my Oncologist, Dana, my brother and his wife usually join me. I have an entourage so to speak. I like the support on these days. My appointment is for 8 am. They will take blood first, then I will have to see a nurse, a nurse practicioner(sp) and then the Big Cheese herself. I'm not quite sure what I will hear tomorrow but my guess is that it will be along the lines of that my therapy, the chemo, is working and that the spots are shrinking and that we will 'stay the course' for another 2 months. I could also hear that it is not working and they may present my case to the surgical team for review. The past 19 months have been so sureal, never in my life did I think I would get cancer. It's not in the family at all. I figured I'd have a stroke or heart attack and die like my Grand Parents, Dad and Aunts and Uncles did. I always had to be different, didn't I...
I'll post my results tomorrow, sorry to keep you all hanging.

Brothers

I Need a Break

I just want my stomach to stop hurting, that's all...

How I feel tonight

I just had chemo yesterday and the side effects are really kicking in tonight. I had the double dose, Erbitux and CPT11. The CPT11 reacts with my bowels and stomach where I feel like a woman must feel with contractions when giving birth. It ties my stomach in knots. I will feel like this all day tomorrow. I'm going to work from home, I'm lucky they let me do that. I also can't sleep even after putting in a 11 1/2 hour day (w/o lunch) with no blogging!

Back to NYC

After last weeks photo post, I don't think I can top that. I did have no trouble getting into the city today, and I drove in with the 1996 Camary that we just got. It has AC that works and a radio that works and a mear 120,000 miles on it compared to my Volvo that has 278, 000. I left the housr at 5:30 am and got to SK by 7 am. On the elevator, I saw the surgeon that de-livered me back in September 2004. He remembered me, that made me feel good. He is a good guy, one of the best in his field. He was sorry to see that I was back in treatment. He asked me if I've seen the colon surgeon I had, Dr. Weiser. I thought he asked me if I was wiser. On the menu here today is my weekly Erbitux (1 hour), my every other week dose of CPT11(1 hour) which will cause major stomach issues for about 4-5 days, and the special of the day-a refill on my heptic pump.

I am no longer getting chemo in this pump, but it must stay inside of me for a minimum of two years. It does have to be reilled with an inert solution so it does not dry out in case I need it again. The greatest chance of recurrance is in the first two years. Once the pump is taken out, it can not be put back in.
So when I am finished in NYC, by noon I hope, I have to go to the DMV to register my car. Somehow, I think that the chemo will be the best part of my day...

Ups and Downs, Highs and Lows

I am often amazed at how manic my posts are and how they must look to everyone. One day, I'm riding high and all is good, it's good to be Phil. Then other days I look like I'm ready to go postal or something. I used to be on a more even keel before the cancer (I was just postal ;-) It's probably rather normal to feel like this, as a matter of fact, I know it is because of other cancer folk I've spoken to at Gilda's. Plus most people have good days and bad days. I just think it gets exaggerated due to the medication and the severity of my situation. I feel pretty good today, this week I go for chemo on Tuesday instead of Wednesday (too many cancer people in on Wednesday so they moved my appointment). I don't know if it's good or bad, it's the treatment that will screw up my digestive system for about 4-5 days, I really loathe these treatments in particular. Just a general health update here. My rash is getting a little better on my chest and back, but my face still hurts (I know, it's killing you) from the rash. The skin on my fingers seems to have stopped spliting for now. The skin on my feet is now spliting. My feet and toes are still numb, they feel furry. My sides still hurt and my stomach muscles seem to be sorer. I haven't kayaked in about 3 weeks. I like to think it's because of the heat, but I think I'm just tired. I still swim pretty much everyday. Other than that, I feel great!
I hug my wife and kids everyday....

A Credit My Ass

I went to my brother-in-law's today for my nephew's birthday party. His family was there (2 sisters, Mom and Dad) and a few other people. His family is pretty nice, they are aware of my cancer since I see them at most every family function and holiday. I was talking with one of them when they brought up how I am such an inspiration to her. I used to like to hear that I was an inspiration for people, but lately, I'm getting tired of it. Sure, when most people see me, they see a guy who is trying to fight cancer and lead a normal life. They don't see me when I'm a fucking mental case and can't think straight, I get paranoid, I get clingy. No, they see Phil, fighter, inspiration, survivor. I almost expect them to tell me 'I'm a Credit to my Race' or some shit. I can't tell you how many Lance Armstrong stories I hear. Yeah, I like how he beat cancer, I'm beating cancer, I wear a bracelet, I gave out over 100 of them (about 8 people wear them) they love him, they hate him, he's screwing Sheryl Crow - whatever... I don't think many people understand that I have no fucking choice other than to fight. I didn't choose to have this. If I don't fight I die. I don't know how inspirational that really is. If you're backed into a corner and have no options, what do you do. I could kill myself to get it over with, but I won't. I could stay home and cry all day and ask 'why me, why me'. Why the fuck not me? I used to think in the beginning that I got cancer because I could handle it, I was supposed to set an example of strength for others. I don't think that anymore. I got it because I got it, period. I put up with all of the chemo and tests and all of that shit because I have no other option, period. I put on a face because I'm afraid to show everyone how scared I really am.....

I Really Love This

I want to share it with everyone

Thank You One and All

I would like to thank Mr. Schprock for providing the link to my site to let some new people get a view into 'my life', and to my many regular friends for their continued visits and to everyone's words of encouragement. Not to get on a soapbox, but PLEASE everyone, do not neglect your health and do get regular checkups. Often with cancer, by the time you feel sick, you're almost dead so early detection is the key.
I do have a Happier Blog too.
Now back to our regularly scheduled program...

My Visit to NYC and Sloan Kettering

Today I wanted to try to do a photographic journal of my trip into NYC. I started the day by waking up at 4:30, but I didn't drag my ass out of bed until almost 5 am.









I could not believe the price of gas by us. It's actually about .25 more expensive in NY State, so I try to fill up in NJ.
Can you imagine, $2.53.9 for 1 gallon of gas.
I almost spit out my $4.00 12 oz. cup of Starbucks coffee!












I really felt like having some melons for breakfast, but as luck would have it, my favorite breakfast nook was not open yet. Darn!












So off I went into New York City. Crossing the George Washington Bridge is not too bad if you can make it there by about 6:30 or so.









Just my luck, a car had overturned on the Westside Highway (Henry Hudson Highway) so I had to take the back streets. Broadway down to Westend, and then to 66th street where I park.
Moments later, the Number 57 bus came by. This is great because it picks me up right in front of where I park, then it takes me over to the eastside to 57th st. The facility I got to is on 53rd street.












After I got off at 57th and Lexington, I walked down to 53rd. On 54th street, there is this cool church of some kind. I don't know what denomination it is, but it is a really cool looking place. It looks Greek to me!












Right down the middle of the avenue is the Chrysler Building, one of the coolest in the city. I've never been in it, I hope to someday.












After I checked in the SK, I usually go hit the bathroom, but I thought I didn't have to document that! then I go and stake my claim to one of the two computers they have there. I usually check email and update my Blog. Wow, what a cool looking blog that is on the screen. What a talented designer that person is!












Then after a few minutes, you get a call to have your 'vitals' checked. Weight, blood pressure, and a CBC (Complete Blood Count) taken. This is Barbara, one of the nurses that works in this part of the office. She's real nice. She was very happy I was going to take her picture.









After a relatively short amount of time, maybe one hour, I was called to go in and get my treatment. Today it is only the Erbitux. I found out that this drug is similar to Avastin, which cuts down the growth of new blood vessels so it starves tumors. But there is also an added special feature. It has more mouse antibodies in it! That may explain my cravings for cheese and Tom and Jerry cartoons lately. The nurse I had for the chemo today was Stacy. I've had her before, she's real nice. They really are all very nice. It takes a special type of person to be a nurse I believe, especially a cancer nurse.









She had no problem with me taking the picture, but she did explain that is really not allowed. She then got my meds ready and stuck me in my port (located in my upper chest) with the needle and got the Erbitux ready. She hooked me up and then I asked her to take my picture.









I get the Erbitux and also some sodium chloride (?). When I only get the one infusion, it just takes about an hour. When I get both (next week) it takes about 2+ hours. They really have some great plants in these little areas. They also have a TV, but I never watch it, I usually just take a nap.












Inside of the lobby area, there is a very cool Chinese looking backdrop with a waterfall and silouettes of trees. I went to take a picture and the security guy came running over and started asking me if I was a patient there and that I'm not allowed to take pictures. I didn't argue and just beat feet so he would not erase all of my shots. Here is a picture of the front of the facility. The awning is heated in the wintertime.









So when I got out, I stopped at this great little cafe and got an egg, cheese and ham on an english muffin and sat outside and ate.









I then started my journey back to my car. Usually, I would take the #57 bus back to the garage, but since today was gorgeous in the city, plus I wanted to take some pictures, I decided to walk. Here's a shot of the CitiCorp building. This happens to be a target for the terrorists, so it is usually well guarded.












Being somewhat of a botonist, I couldn't help but notice this
rare tree. Oh yes, there was also a 30 ft tall statue of a naked woman.












This fountain is in front of the Plaza Hotel at the bottom of Central Park. It's a real nice place to hang out. They are currently renovating the Plaza and making some rooms into condos. My brother told me a story a few months ago that when he was about 18 or so, him and some friends came in to the city to see the St. Patrick's Day Parade. Being extreemly drunk, they somehow made their way into the Plaza and found they had to 'take a leak'. So they found a balcony and pee'd off of it on to everyone's parade. Just thought I'd share...












So I walked through Central Park. Here is a cool tunnel I went through which surprisingly, did not smell like pee.












Here is the Bethesda Fountain. Many times there will be musicians or dancers there. You can also rent a rowboat there (no kayaks though)








This cat was real good on the sax. He was playing 'Love for Sale'. I didn't look to see if his girlfriend was around... He got a dollar from me.












These guys were ok too (and got another dollar) I wish I had the nerve to play in the park (hell, I wish I had the nerve to dress like them!) I should do it one day as a goof and see if I can make a buck or two.












What can I say? Strawberry Fields Forever...








Back home until next week....












I must say, taking these pictures really made the day seem like fun. I have to try something else some other time. Hope you enjoyed it.