One Year Ago

	If the movie doesn't play, you can try this link or right click it and save to the desktop. Don't freak out people, I'm ok. This is normal for me every other week.

Chemo # 45 - The Movie

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Blah

Here it is the day after Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for with having good friends and family and for being around another year. I think I'll have many more but you never know when the cancer will come back, and I have to get rid of it first. I've really been feeling blah as of late. I don't quite know what the deal is. Work has been ok although my boss has been setting me up (unintentionally I think) so I look stupid in meetings. I have to talk to him about that. And there is still that tension with certain people there. Home life is ok, the usual. Not enough time together, the kids are at us, my fingers are killing me, my abdoman is still messed up, I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach a lot. I feel lost and overwhelmed I think. I don't see this feeling going away in the near future either. I don't know when it will if ever. I can't wait until I make it to the 5 year mark being cancer free. This Feb it will be 2 years since being diagnosed, but I guess that I don't start counting until I'm cancer free? I don't know..

I'm Back

Well that was a waste of time and energy. I have a lot of complaints. Mainly my fucking fingers hurt and it's hard to type.

Another Shitty day

Today started out bad and got worse. My wife IM'd me like we often do in the morning, and she didn't ask me how I was feeling. It bothered me a bit because she often gets wrapped up in her own stuff. That's not a crime and I'm not too shocked. Then I had to get ready for a meeting, so I talked to my boss about what issues if any had to be dealt with. I asked specific questions and got what I thought were specific answers. Once again, I looked stupid because the issues that I brought up were already known to the people who were involved with them. i also had to directly address the woman who hates me about something and I was blown off and made to look stupid. I have to talk with the boss and the manager about this. I can look stupid by myself. I took a percocet and feel better now....

Dermatological Nightmare

Here's some nice photos of what is happening lately to my body. The one on the left is my calf. Normally my calf muscle is well defined (not to brag, but I have nice legs, not chicken legs). Now my calves are swollen and the rash is on them too as well as my thighs. Not only does it itch, but it also burns and if I bend down, they almost feel like they are going to explode. This is something new, I am getting this checked out today by the nurse. The other lovely photo is of my right hand. It really does not do it justice, but my fingertips are all getting split and cracked. This seems to run in cycles where I'll have a bad week or so, then it gets somewhat better. It sucks because I love to play my guitar, but it's hard to play with bleeding fingers. I guess the 'good' news is that because of all of the pain I have with the cramps from the CPT11, I was able to get some percocet. They don't help with the cramps, but I don't mind as much.

Ok, this just in. Because of my legs and stomach being swollen, my Onc ordered a sonogram of my abdomen. I found out two good things. One is that there are no blood clots in the liver (which was a concern) and two, I am having a girl!
This sucks, I wish I was OUT OF HERE!

More Bad News

I don't want this to be about bad news all of the time, but this really sucks. A friend of Dana's from high school, Sigrid, her daughter had been battling brain cancer for about 5 years. She is only 11. She died the other day. Dana is going to be playing at a memorial service on Sunday. Hug your kids if you have them.

Great American Smokeout

I'm sure this is no surprise coming from me to all of you. I used to smoke, my cancer is not related to smoking (I think, I have colon cancer and I never stuck a butt in my butt). In case people are not aware of this, CANCER SUCKS. If you smoke, as I know some of you do, please try to quit even if it's only for one day. I am such a weak-willed person, I thought I'd never quit. that was 16 years ago. I did it with hypnosis. Here's a link with some info. Lecture over

Why Do So Many People Suck?

I work with a guy, I really don't know him well, but he seems like a friendly guy, rather quiet. I have not seen him in two weeks and I figured he took some time off. I found out that he was leaving a party at his cousins two weeks ago and was robbed and severly beaten. He was in a coma for over a week. He has fucking heel marks on his head from where he was stomped on. Lately too, I've been seeing a lot of stomping on people in the Blog world. People seem to think that everyone and everything is fair game. There's a thin line between busting chops and just harassing people and being downright mean. I think it really sucks, people either don't put themselves in other people's shoes enough, or they are just mean people who don't give a fuck. I'm probably just very naive or too chemo'd out, I feel like what you see is what you get with me, but others appear to be one thing, then you see they are something else. This applies to the real world too, not just here. This shouldn't be a news flash for me, but it is. Maybe I'm just losing my desire to do this blogging stuff or I may just go underground with this one.
-whatever

Lost a Friend

I worked with a woman who I became friends with over the time I worked where I work. I would always say hello to her and she would say hello to me too. I knew she had some form of cancer because of her wigs she wore or her real short hair. I never asked her what she had or anything and I just treated her like a regular person like she was. In Feb 04, I was first diagnosed with cancer. I found her to be very aproachable as someone I could talk to and find out some information. I think she had some kind of ovarian cancer, but I really cant' remember now. She had gone through numerous treatments, but they would work for a while, then stop working. About 4-5 months ago she started a new treatment that I think knocked her for a loop. I always kept an eye open for her but she didn't return to work. She lost her battle last night. I'll miss her...

Sunday

I was/am having a real shitty day. I feel like everyone's at me today. I took a ride in the kayak and it helped a bit. Here's some pictures. If I look pissed and confused, I capture the real me then.

Here's a horrible picture of me, but that's me now, rash and all. Man, I look like Frankenstein with the kayak coming out of my neck like bolts









My Ride












This was at the other end of the lake,
if I go straight ahead, I'll be back by home









My Ride









Walton Lake from earth.google.com

I'm Done!

Ok, this is my easy week as far as the chemo goes. But today, I ran in to that woman I work with who hates me and I said Hi, and she blatantly ignored me. So now I really get it, it's her fucking problem. She doesn't exist anymore in my world.
She can't even be civil.
I can be cured of the cancer, she'll always be a jerk.

~ no comments allowed on this puppy

Almost Through It

I have been getting this one drug, CPT11, since October of last year. It's the one that causes all of the cramping. I've had 25 rounds of it so far out of the 42 total chemo's I've done.
That freaks me out! I still have at least 3 more cycles of that over the next 7 weeks then I find out how much more I have to do.
Anyway, enough of the pity-party.
I did just get a new prescription from my MD.

Here we go again

Like a swiss timepiece, the fucking stomach cramps begain again. Just 2-3 days of intense pain, then moderate pain for another few days. Plus I feel like I'm losing my mind (again)

Third Cycle - Number 41

Tomorrow marks the beginning of my third cycle of my current chemo cocktail. It will be number 17 of the CPT11 and Erbitux and my 41st overall. I'm scheduled for 8 weeks of weekly treatments, then a CT scan etc. This will take me to around Christmas, It was a pretty wild week with finding out my good news, which is real good, even though it's not over by any means. Work was good too. Some friends took me to lunch as a belated birthday and a good news cancer celebration, I had told a friend that if the news was not good, it could be like a last supper. On Friday, me and a friend took this guy out who just found another job. He's been a big supporter of mine since the beginning. His sister and Mom both have battled cancer and won, his sister with pancreatic cancer which isn't an easy one to beat. Plus this guy, who I shall call Mike and my friend, who I shall call Gail, both came to visit me in the hospital last year. Mike is also going to be a doner for some guy in his early 40's who has multiple myloma and needs a bone marrow transplant. Mike was the best match out of hundreds if not thousands of people. I just think that is so cool to be able to save someone's life. It's a close second to being a woman and giving birth I imagine. anyway, it's back to the city and it's supposed to be a nice day, plus it's Halloween. Hmmmm, I wonder who my nurse will be?

Thanks Everyone

Thanks everyone for your support and comments. I had a little better news than I had expected. The flip side to all of this is that I have to go through at best, another 8 weeks of chemo hell, Maybe that's the coin on it's edge, the flip side is that it would not be working and I would waste away or have surgery. I find my mood to be cautiously optimistic at best, my wife, being happy about the news, seemed to blow this off as well, you're ok now and out of the woods. I don't quite see it that way. What I feel this means is that the chemo is still working, and we will reevaluate this in 8 weeks. Just like I've been doing for 16 weeks. I most certainly do not see this as I'm cured. It really makes me a little pissed - her attitude that is. We had a fight before I went in to see the doctor. Dana feels that the doctor should be able to give me more facts about my condition. I don't see it that way. What we have here (is failure to communicate - ooopps, wrong movie) is the fact that I am on new protocols for colon cancer. If this was 5 years ago, I'd be dead. The data that is out there now on the internet, which by the way is not good or accurate (the 5 year survival for Stage IV is rare at best) stinks. I am part of the group of people that is creating the next bunch of data and survival statistics. I was talking to my brother about this and he said 'if Dana wants definate answers, then my Doctor could treat me with the drugs that were available 5 years ago. Then we'd know how long I'd live'. I'm trying to ride the crest of the wave in to the shore. I don't want it to collapse on me and drown me or have it pass me by. I want to stay right on top of the technology. If I can last 3 years, they may have new drugs that will keep me alive longer. I can see that this is hard on her too, but I think that I don't play this up so I make it seem like it's not as bad as it really is. Now, this is all strange because people I know (sort of ) read this plus my other blog so I must look like a nut job a lot. I have been finding that I am editing myself on this one which I never did before. So, that's where I'm at right now. I am glad that the past 16 weeks have been for something and that I'm getting 'better'. I'm not looking forward to the chemo, the rash, the hair falling out, the cramps, the manic behavior. Part of me is pissed because last night, I have no friggin knife at the table. I think she's just out to drive me insane sometimes. And...every night she leaves her eyeglasses in her van. Every night when she goes out to get them, she leaves the dome light on. Everynight, I have to go out right after her and shut it off. WTF? I guess I'm feeling better....

The Results are In, We Have a Winner

Things are going well. Continued shrinking of the tumors, 2 of them are barely visible. My CEA (cancer marker in my blood) went from 6.3 in june, to 5.6 in August, to 1.7 now.I'm staying on the Chemo for at least another 8 weeks, they we'll see what's up then.
film at 11 ;-)

Kayak Ride

For those of you playing at home, you know I have been having a rather rough week or two. I feel like the next page in my life is about to turn on Monday. I will be finding out how well the chemo has been doing with shrinking the tumors I have in my lungs from my primary cancer, which was Stage IV colon cancer. The last 2 CT scans I had showed that the liver is still clear which is a very good thing. Also, the last CT scan I had showed that the chemo I was getting for the first 8 weeks has been effective, the tumors shrunk significantly, adn I have reason to hope that the next 8 weeks of chemo I did will have the same results. I did like it better when I just had to worry about being crushed in my car on the way to work like a normal person worries (oh, you guys don't worry about that?) but cancer makes you more aware of the fact that we all are going to die at some point. I think I'd rather not know when and just be surprised. Anyway, after a very tough day (emotionally) which I was lucky to have friends like all you regular visitors, I saw the sun was setting and the sky was beautiful and since I knew rain was in the forecast, I decided to strink while the iron was hot, and go for a kayak ride to soak in the beauty of New York State in the Autumn. I was able to get Dana and Griffin to go with me too. As you may see, Dana has a winter coat on. I had only shorts and a tee shirt on (as usual) but that is a topic for my other blog on another day. I hope you enjoy the pictures as much as I enjoyed the ride.

Quick Update

I had the scan, it was routine. I'll get the results Monday.
I have a lot more I want to say, but no time to say it. Busy at work

Here it is, 10:30 pm. I can set my watch to the symptoms I get from this chemo. It happens about 1 pm on Wednesdays. I start to cramp, real bad. The pills I get seem to help a little but it still makes me lose focus at work. I can't believe that I work 4 full days every week. I'm loaded up with chemo and I'm fucking working (or trying to) I think one of the worst things about the chemo is how I just want to cry a lot. The physical pain is no picnic, but the emotional stress is very tough to handle at times. I can't just take 3 days off every other week, even if I did, what would I wind up doing. I really don't want to just be home, I can't go swimming anymore, too cold. I told my older son that I was staying at my brother's tomorrow night because I am getting the scan. He asked me if I thought I'd be done with the chemo. I told him I think I'll have to do some more. I just wanted to cry. I feel so fucking alone!