Wait...

I repeat myself a lot. I'd like to think it's only from the chemo brain but's it's probably old age too. So I sit and wait for results and I sit and wait for side effects. This week is different because I really don't have any physical ones. Emotionally, I'm a fucking nutcase. I do see my pattern that I've created though. Dana is very supportive but I know she gets scared at times although we both feel I'll get through this. I do feel I push her away a little. I tend to get clingy with some work people and bloggers and my SIL. She's got her own stuff now so I think she feels a solidarity with me. It goes beyond that too but that's enough for this blog. My stomach does not feel great but in comparison it's not too bad. My toe is getting weird again and I still have the numbness in my feet. That's going on two years now. I feel like I have hobbit feet (fuzzy)
back to work....

# 61 and a CT Scan

I had chemo #61 this past Monday, plus I had a CT scan yesterday (Tuesday). I really just feel like crying today. I don't expect bad news next week, I am hoping for the status quo or a slight improvement meaning further shrinking of the final tumor in my lung. Of course I would love to hear that the final one is gone then maybe I can stop chemo in 6 months. I often can't believe how many rounds I've had and how well I have held up. I didn't think I had it in me although my kids are a big motivator for me. I have to go meeet with some prople from a local library this morning, I do freelance work on the side and I have been blowing everyone off lately so now it's time to knock that shit off and get back to business. On another chemo note, my big toe is acting up again. I do see the Doc next Monday (after I get my results back) so I'm sure she will cut up my nail again with no numbing it as usual. I'm also amazed at how much pain I can endure. I'm past the two year mark with my diagnosis but I've really about had it. I went out with my brother last night when I was done with my scan. We went to the All State Cafe again (where the woman from Looking For Mr Goodbar was murdered) they do have great burgers and I had 2 pints of their own ale. I'm really not supposed to drink but I feel like 'Fuck It' at this point. I need to reward myself. Well let me compose myself and not cry (at least while I'm working) and also see what side effects I get hit with. So far, so good although I thought I was going to barf last night. I did take a hit off the joint so maybe that helped? I can't do that here, I need extra brain cells lately.

# 60

Here it is, chemo # 60. It's been over two years since my diagnosis and over a year and a half since my first surgery. I've been hoping that I can avoid more surgery and so far, so good. I have a scan scheduled for April 5th so I'll see where I'm at after that. This past week was really tough with the side effects. It does look like this is what I can expect with the double dose every other week. It's been 3 times I had it happen so I'm beginning to think this is the new normal for the time being. At least this morning, things are back to normal. As per my wife's suggestion, I scored a joint from someone I know. I think the point was to wait until I felt nauseous, then smoke some but I took a hit yesterday and had a blast with the kids playing mini golf and I made a killer pot roast that tasted great! It is amazing how it didn't take much to get a buzz at all. So I hope to be out of here by 10 am or so, then off to work. I hope that somehow I can get either the software installed on my home PC so I can work from home on days like I had last week or that I can get a laptop, which would be nicer, but I'd do either...

This just in...
Once again they dropped the ball at SK. They didn't give me my chemo until around 10:30. I used to get out by 10:00. I went back and spoke to the liaison between the pharmacy and the rest of the people. She was very nice and told me to just see her every week and she'll make sure I get out on time. I wonder if I'm the only one this is happening to? They did give me a $15 gift certificate for Cafe Europa (whoop-de-doo). At least I know who to talk to to get things expedited.

Saturday

Here it is, Saturday. I'm still rather 'loose as a goose' although I slept pretty well last night so that's a good sign. I'm really feeling very alone lately. I can see how my mood is so affected by my health (or lack of it) and when I'm feeling poor, my mood is shit. I had a stretch of about 2 months where I had figured out how to deal with my side effects and things were really pretty good. Now I'm into this new stuff and I feel rather depressed. It's such a rollercoaster. Just when I think I can cut back on the therapist, I get this. I suppose I can still do that because I seem to be much more aware of how I am behaving and of my unhealthy habits (not that I still don't have some of them but at least I'm aware of them) Dealing with the nasuea is a new thing. This really surprised me. Dana suggested getting some pot to stave off the side effects. I don't think it's a bad idea but I do have to watch it with that stuff, I was really heavily addicted to it for many years and have been off of it for about 6 years. I'll have to see, I'm open to it I guess. I don't know what to do with myself today. I had big plans to go to Home Depot and to some other stores, but all I feel like doing is sleeping.

The New Normal? I Hope Not

I use the term 'The New Normal' a lot. It seems that every few months my body has to adjust to something new. First was the side effects of the first rounds of chemo, then it was surgery, then it was post-op, then it was new chemo, then it was lung tumors, then it was new chemo, now it's new side effects from the chemo. I had 55 treatments with pretty much the same side effects. Mostly constipation, rarely nauseous, numbness in hands and feet (which I still have). Now, over the past 4 treatments, I seem to be getting the shits and throwing up (plus constipation - go figure) I really fucking hate it. I was up most of the night doing one or the other and now I won't be able to get into work so there goes another sick day, plus I have deadlines to meet. I miss my old normal, but that died 2 years ago....

New Staff...

It's chemo day again. Number 59 in a series of who the fuck knows how many. Probably another 50 or so? There is a new woman at reception here. Last week she screwed everything up by not bringing my paperwork back to the lab, and this week she is starting to screw it up again. I miss Leigh. She was always very nice to everyone and things never fell through the cracks like what is happening with this person. I think I had to have another blood test that was not needed. Yeah, stick me again with a fucking needle. Anyway, I'm not sure what is going to be my side effect today. It's either going to be the runs or the no-runs. Time will tell, I'll know by Tuesday night. I had started to visit this guys blog deadin90.blogspot.com. He claims to have cancer and he will die in 90 days. He is planning on commiting suicide. At first I thought maybe it was real but the more I read his blog, the less it made sense. He did not sound like someone with cancer adn he will not tell what kind he has because he thinks he can be tracked by that. Plus he claims to be a cop too adn he just seem like he is. I called him on it and he seems to be pissed. I did a search on him and some other people seem to think he's a phoney too. Today I couldn't find his blog. Maybe times up? I think not.

I took a kayak ride yesterday, the last day of winter. It was great. A little cold but fun anyway. Well it should be chemo time soon.

I'm a Little Pissed

Ok, sio I get here at my usual time and there are new people at the desk. Leigh told me last week that she was being moved to another floor. This woman didn't seem to be on the ball. the usual routine is that I show up around 7:30 am, they check me in and within 5-10 minutes, I got to the room to have my blood drawn. I looked around today and there seemed to be a few more people there than usual so when 15 minutes rolled around I didn't freak out. Then it was 30, then 45, then 1 hour. I went to the desk and asked what the deal was. She said she'd check. She comes over to me and did appologize and said it was her mistake that the paperwork didn't get back to the lab so now I'm 1 hour behind. this really sucks because I am usually out of here by 10 am on the single dose days and now it's 9:15, I have to still see the nurse and then wait for the bloodwork before I get chemo. It's going to be dragging all day. I guess this should be my only problem, right? I still will have to see if my new normal is going to be the shits and throwing up for a few days. I was just figuring out the constipation and I had that under control. I'm wondering if it's a slight cold that has been causing all of this. The strange thing is that I really haven't had much in the cold department since all of this started but my nose is a little stuffed so maybe it is. At any rate, I need and want to get to work after this, I hope the wait is not too long...

The New Normal

I haven't posted in a while. Mainly because I feel somewhat better but also because I feel I keep defining myself as a cancer person, not even as a cancer survivor although technically I am a 2 year survivor. My last scan ws good. I went from 9 tumors in June down to 1 left now. We actually talked about stopping treatments. This could take place in about a year so it's a ways away but it's the first time it's been mentioned. The thing that is concerning me now is that for the past 3 treatments, I've gotten bad diarreha and also have been throwing up. The runs last for a few days and even taking Amonium AD (or whatever the fuck it is) doesn't seem to stop it. I sleep with one eye open and one foot in my slippers at night. I'm up at least every hour for a round or two. The puking only seemed to be for one night but it's happened two times so that has me bummed out. I hate to puke. so here I am at work after two nights of little sleep trying to get things done. It sucks

...this just in (or out) I just puked at work. Real classsy, at least I made it to the men's room and no one was there.

Hmmmm

Out of hiding, let's see if anyone stops by. I have for the most part been doing ok so I have not had the need to blog about the cancer as much. I just had a scan and I am down to one small tumor in my lungs. In June of 05 I had 9 of them. There still is a some mind fuck going on but not as bad as it was. Also, there is that whole thing with the work woman who hates me. That had a ring to it, doesn't it? She wants nothing to do with me, I was how I was, I don't think it warrants her behavior but who the fuck am I to judge anything. I know someone who keeps trying to be in contact with me who I really don't wish to continue the friendship with for a variety of reasons that are not really that important so I won't go into it here. I finally get it I think, so that is/was a big thing for me to realize. Now there is another one who is putting up boundaries which is fine. I need to be aware of these more often and sooner I see. I tend to blab too much to everybody and not everybody is interested.

Been a while

I haven't posted in a while, things have been pretty good. I'm not very good today though. I had two big glasses of wine before plus a few percocets. I have a scan coming up at the end of the week and I'm pretty nervous about it. I always get nervous with them, it's a gauge as to how I'm doing so it makes sense. I really feel like I"m pissing off people lately though and I'm also getting too involved with people and what is going on in their lives. I should back off. My SIL is having a breakdown of sorts and while I want to be supportive of her, I feel like I'm getting too involved in a not so healthy way with her. She is determined to NOT go on any drugs to control her anxiety, meanwhile she can't leave the house and has to have adults around her almost constantly. I think by going over there I am enabling her to continue her behavior. I don't get the big deal with taking medication since she needs it, but if she wants to live her live like that it's her business.
Also, I had gotten an email from someone who has some issues to say the least. She was claiming to want closure for herself which basically meant her listing a bunch of people and telling me what is wrong with them. She laid into me too again, I helped her out when she was in the dumps. If I only knew then...anyway, I read her email and deleted it and really put it out of my mind. I will not write her again. I'm done. I hope she gets her life together (or not) I really don't give a fuck at this point. I also find that I'm giving a shit what other people do and who they visit on the blogs and I shouldn't care. It's not my life. I don't even know these people. They can do whatever they want and that's ok, they don't need me to do anything for them. I think since I'm in such a state of being fucked up, I try to find people I can help so it takes my mind off of my shit. Maybe, maybe not, I really don't know. There are a bunch of people I work with who don't seem to want anything to do with me. It could be my imagination (or not). I just want to try to do things that are going to please me. I need to take care of me.
This sucks, I'm getting tired of it. I'll probably get good news next week and all of this will seem silly for another 2 months until I go for my next scan, then I will repeat this again. I'm so fucking predictable.

Walking Away From a Plane Crash

This week I survived a massive restructuring at work. I can't help but feel like there was a massive plane crash where over 100 people died and only 7 walked away alive. I was one of those 7. About 30 people from my group were affected, most were offered a choice of moving to Boston, or riding out the work until the end of the year. They made the stay till the end offer very tempting for people. I do feel some guilt over what happened. I have been working here for about 4 1/2 years. I had been a temp for 3 years and when they found out I had cancer, they were very suportive. I had your basic HMO plan so I was getting most of my treatments for cancer paid for, but I was not allowed to go to SK. They were out of my network. Then, 10 days before I was to be operated on, the company put me on staff so I could have better medical and could go to SK. I feel that without that chance I would not be doing as well as I am now. I know of someone who had his surgery at a different facility and his results were not as good as mine have been. So now I get back to the title of this post. I was told officially that because of my skill set I am being offered a choice to stay here. I know that it may be part of the story, it's not all of it. So many folks were only given the choice of Boston or no job. I know that there are going to be some people that will look at me like I got special treatment and maybe I did. I'll trade places with any of them, they can have some cancer and I'll find another job or move to Bosotn. it's not like going to Alaska. But I do feel some guilt about the whole thing, I know I'll get over it. I'll be curious to see what happens when the dust settles in a few months.

So I've been neglecting this blog and that is good. To me it seems like I am handling my situation much better than I used to. I do think the fact that I ahve my diet and the constipation thing under control somewhat is making a BIG difference. I went from 4 days of REAL BAD PAIN to 1-2 days of minor pain. So I guess that's it for now, I still have the toe thing going on but overall, I'm doing well, it's two years next month...

What Else?

So I went for a double dose of chemo today, that's the best part of my fucking day. My toe has been all sore and fucked up so I had them look at it. They sent me to the 10th floor to the Dermatologist. Her assistant looked at it, then the Dr came in. She proceeded to take some surgical scissors and start to cut the top right side of the nail off. No anesthesia, no foreplay, nothing. It hurt so fucking much. Then they start to prod it with giant q-tips and put silver nitrate on it. I thought I was going to hit the roof. It is starting to feel a bit better. Then I get the chemo, always fun, I'll cramp up tomorrow and that will suck big time. then my iwfe calls me afer I finally get home to tell me she hit a fucking deer with the van. Let's see, last year she had 4 accidents in Nov/Dec that cost us about $5000. She said the front of the van is all messed up, I'm sure that will be another $2000 at least. She is a shitty driver, she takes herself off her medication, doesn't deal with her issues with a shrink, can't cook and I'm not even getting laid at all.
FUCK IT, I've so had it with everything

My Left Toe

Well here's my fucking toe now. I bumped it slightly and it start to fucking bleed. I want to open this blog up real bad, I'm scared to death and I feel I can't tell anyone. I dread going into the city for another chemo, I hate it so much and I have a year to go at best, not to mention all of this foot crap. MOTHERFUCKER

Alrighty

So after having an extra two days off from chemo, I go back tomorrow for round #49. My fucking toe is really bothering me a lot and that is why I got the time off. I have to wear sandels now so my feet don't get all squished all day and it seems to help a little. so I wonder how long I will be at the office tomorrow. I feel strange since I told the one nurse that I thought she was great and she is my favorite. Now she backs away from me. I do that a lot it seems to women. She must see this a lot though and is wise to us cancer guys. A coworker of mine wants to go in with me when I get chemo sometime and make a day of it. She even offered to drive in with me at 6 am. I know her intentions are good and we would make a day of it but I feel funny because I really do like her a lot and if things went a certain way, I'd get in trouble I'm sure. This is my fucking life story lately. I'm distant from my wife and her from me, I want to sleep with practially every woman I see and look out if I start to know you, it gets even worse. I wonder is this is who I became, or is this who I always was. I know it's who I am now so that's the point I guess. I wonder if this is normal for cancer. I've fallen in love at least 10 times in the past 2 years. It sucks and it's great. Mostly it sucks because it not mutual or satisfied or right. I'm very fucked up I think

My Daily Routine

This is pretty much what I have every morning now. I take some vitamins (EFA, E, A&D and Selenium) plus Zoloft, Xanax, some stuff to keep my feet from swelling, magnesium, and some other shit that I'm too tired to go upstairs and look at the labels to find out. I also started making fresh juice every morning. I'm hoping that the mix will help promote health plus help with the constipation issues I have.

How to not Get Cramps

I may have found something that limits the ammount of cramps I get after the chemo. I found if I take 2 senokote when I get home, plus eat the gerber baby prune stuff and take gas-ex and the belladonna, it seems to limit my cramps. I also ate less and drank more water. I'll try it again and see how it works. That's if I have a treatment Monday. My toes are getting all fucked up and they may stop treatments for a week so I can go on antibiotics again for a week.

The Plan for the New Year

So Christmas has come and gone. I was so excited to post tonight, but I called someone and lost my drive to do so. Well I wanted to post about some of the new side effects I'm having. This is my big toe, this is my big toe on Erbitux. It's getting rather fucked up. It's sore as shit and it's bumming me out. I'm trying to find things that can help it but I'm not having a lot of luck. I guess staying off it would help. I want this year to be a turnaround year for me. I feel like I'm stuck in my rut again. After I was first diagnosed, I had a good attitude. I felt lucky to be alive and savored every day. Then I hit bottom and got depressed. I drank too much and didn't give a shit about anything. I was doing my chemo, kayaking every friggin day and just waiting for the operation. I didn't even think ahead of that. Nothing about recovering from it or anything. Little did I know that the post-op stuff was going to be that difficult. Well it was and I'm still not right. I feel very lost spiritually and I don't know what to do. I know I need to find something and I feel that this is the year for me. I want to turn things around and get them to where I was after I was first diagnosed, not even where I was before cancer because that was not a very good spot either. So that is one of my plans for this year. I would like to check out a church up by me but there is the one in NJ that I'm comfortable with. My biggest fear is that I'm going to become religious. I don't know why I fear that, but I do. I think I don't want to become preachey. Let me stop for now and try to finish this post later

WTF is going on???

I don't even remember where I left off. I'm having some major aniexity attacks today. I just feel so overwhelmed with everything. I can't stop obsessing with my reality that I will most likely be doing the same chemo for another year at best. That will bring me to around the three year mark for chemo/cancer. HOLY FUCK!
I'm feeling so lost spiritually too. I really never felt spiritually connected in my whole life. I was raised a catholic and went through 8 years of grammar school only to dump it all in high school. I smoked way too much pot. I didn't know how to cope and didn't want to try. So why am I bringing this up now??? Who knows. I've connected with a school friend who I haven't talked to in 30 years. She has cancer too. I asked her how she deals with it and she prays. I have such a hard time praying. Even when I was in the hospital for over two fucking weeks, I hardly said a prayer. Why have I lost this or is it I never ever had it. I think that is more of the case. My homelife wasn't the worst, but it wasn't the best either. I never felt close to God or any higher power. Now my wife is saying I should go to NA or something. I don't really think that is my problem, I see a shrink, I'll have to ask her I guess. I do know that something is lacking. For about six months after I was first diagnosed, I had a isn't life great attitude. Then I nosedived and lost control, I had the whole thing with Kristan, was drinking too much, felt lost and hopeless. Then the surgery took what was left out of me and the recovery has really sucked. It's a long fucking road and I'm getting tired of it. I know, shitty attitude.
fuck me...

Feeling Stupid

I think I may be over the worst part of the cramping from the chemo, but I feel like my brain is jello. I can't think straight at all and I'm at work just trying to do simple tasks and I find I just stare at the screen. I feel very useless at this point. It's like I'm here physically, but not here mentally at all. I'm sort of scared stiff I think. Maybe it's just an anxiety attack? I'm overwhelmed with Christmas coming and not all of the gifts gotten, we are in a financial hole, my health is improving, but it's coming up on two years since being diagnosed with cancer. I can't fucking believe it. I can't remember my life before cancer it seems. I was crying beore work again too. We had a small Christmas party today but I didn't feel comfortable at all in there. I jsut want to get the hell out of here and go to bed. I miss how I used to be

I'm Hiding

All I can say right now is that CANCER REALLY SUCKS. I'm cramping pretty bad, but I may be on to a new formula to speed up the side effects of the cramps. I'll see if it works. I saw my therapist today and actually started to cry a little. I think I cried more in the bathroom at work though, that's a first (maybe a second) I also hugged my therapist (who is a woman) It was partly a Merry Christmas thing but also a I need a hug thing too. Yeah, I guess I broke one of the cardinal rules of psychotherapy. I should see a shrink about it I guess, HA