Another post

So after Monday's missing chemo, I went to my therapist on Tuesday. I had moved it to every other Tuesday so it would not be on the chemo weeks since I tend to be real hyper afer my treatment. I also felt funny with getting out of treatment and I wanted to talk with her. It wound up being a session where I talked a lot about how much I hate everything there is about the cancer and chemo. I also talked about how much my back hurts too. I was really getting depressed and she wound up asking me if I was suicidal. The few times I've been asked that question have always thrown me. As bad as I feel, I never get suicidal. I may wish I was dead but I don't feel like doing that. I could never do that to Dana and the kids and I just don't think it's a solution for me. Certainly not at this time at all and I would really have to be in a bad place with no options at all to even consider it. Even talking here about it is wigging me out. I think it's bad karma too.

I started this post on Nov 8th but did not post it then, not totally sure why. I probably didn't want to mention the "S" word in a post. My back is still killing me. I've been going to the chiro for two weeks and really have not gotten relief. I also had an accupressure treatment on Friday to see if that would work. I helped overall but it did not really lessen my back pain but it did something. At any rate, I have to go in tomorrow for the treatment. I'm not looking forward to it at all but I certainly can't complain.

On another note, I just watched the piece on 60 Minutes about Ed Bradley who died last week from a form of lukemia. I always like his stories and he just seemed to be a cool guy. I used to try to catch his Live from Lincoln Center radio broadcasts on NPR radio. He as a real fan of jazz. I was shocked when I heard that he died from that. I really had no idea at all. They were talking about how he had it years ago and it had come back with a vengance. That's the fear of everyone who has dealt with cancer I believe. I know that I have that feeling.

I Could Not Do It Today

I was supposed to get chemo today, but I was able to get them to give me the day off. I feel strange about it too. I have some legit reasons why I wanted to have the day off, but in the big picture, I just don't want to do it anymore. I know I have to suck it up and just take my medicine but I really have not gotten over the fact that I thought that I would be done with the chemo for Thanksgiving, and that is not happening. The last few times I went I found it so hard to do. I know I have to keep on with the treatments until my Onc says I can stop. I will be getting a scan in the beginning of December sometime. I'm REAL bad with dates now unless I have a calender in front of me. So I guess we shall see what the scan reveals. I doubt if it will be anything definitive, and that's probably a good thing. No news is good news, right? I just wish I knew when I might be able to stop it. I got off this week because Dana and I are going to see James Taylor this Friday and I really don't want to be dealing with any stomach issues and the way my schedule was set up, I would have been having chemo the Monday of Thanksgiving which would suck because I like to eat turkey and all of that. So now I was able to move everything over a week. A tradeoff was that I had to have the dermatologist dig at my infected Great Toe (their terminology) and numb it and cut more of the nail out. It really is one of the most painful things I've ever experienced in my life which says a lot. I'm also suffering now from chronic back pain. It's been an on and off thing for 30 years or so but lately it's real bad again. It's muscular this time instead of structural. At any rate, I'm trying to stretch and apply heat and cold to it. It still hurts.
So, that's about it for today I guess. I'm getting bored with both blogs but I'll most likely keep at it for now...

Hard to Take Anymore

I have been staying away from this blog for a while (20 days) I want to forget about cancer. I really hate it. I guess I hate the chemo more. I'm just finding it difficult to do anymore. I feel like I was hit by a 2x4, I ache all over. My side effects lingered for two weeks with the last treatment too. They weren't as severe I guess but I still had a lot of cramping. It's not like I'm plugged up or have the runs. Things move, just not normally and the cramping sucks. I was able to get off the drugs for the two week break but now I'm on them. At least I can do it when I have to so that's good. The last thing I need is to go from chemo to the Betty Ford Clinic.

Speaking of drugs, I have been kayaking more lately. I want to get some in before it gets too cold. I went yesterday during the day and it was great. I also went last week at dusk. I've been bringing a little pot with me and getting high (the high seas?) It really makes for an incredible experience. The lake is calming anyway but pot makes my senses more in tune I feel so the colors of the leaves and everything seem better. I'm sure it's not true but what the fuck, it makes me happy.

So yesterday was the first Monday that I did not have to go to the city since May of this year. They let me skip chemo last Monday so this is my second week being off of it. I start again on next Monday, Oct 9th. I'm not looking forward to it but I'm trying to ignore it for now and I'll deal with it next week. I have also been trying, with some success, to wean myself of self medicating. I'm real jumpy though and I can notice that my feet feel like they are in cold water much of the time. They are rather numb and although my toe is getting better I still can't wear a shoe. I did take an old pair of sneakers and cut the toe out so I can wear those in the rain and when I cut the grass. I'm still having some digestive issues although they are not so bad. My skin is still very dry and my fingers are splitting but not as bad.
later....

I Get It (Finally)

One can only try to kick the ball so many times before they realize what's going on.

New Colon Cancer Survival Rates

Or, Why I need to Stay off the Internet...
The American Joint Committee on Cancer recently revised its cancer staging system. There used to be four stages: 1, 2, 3, and 4. Now, there are seven stages: 1, 2a, 2b, 3a, 3b, 3c, and 4. A new study in the Journal of the National Cancer Institute reports colon cancer survival rates for each of these seven stages.

According to the study, entitled "Colon Cancer Survival Rates With the New American Joint Committee on Cancer Sixth Edition Staging,"
five-year survival rates for colon cancer are as follows:

-Stage 1: 93%
-Stage 2a: 85%
-Stage 2b: 72%
-Stage 3a: 83%
-Stage 3b: 64%
-Stage 3c: 44%
-Stage 4: 8%

Why I HATE The Assholes at the Helm

Poll: Iraqis back attacks on U.S. troops
About six in 10 Iraqis say they approve of attacks on U.S.-led forces, and slightly more than that want their government to ask U.S. troops to leave within a year, according to a poll in that country...

Bittersweet Boom
The Rush For Oil Floods Wyoming With Jobs, But Is It Also Spoiling The Land?
...Owning a split estate didn't much concern Wyoming ranchers until the current oil boom. "Many landowners didn't even know they owned split estates--until the oilman showed up at their door," says Morrison, who lives in the mineral-rich Powder River Basin in the north. Two years ago, two energy companies notified her friend Steve Adami of their intent to drill on his 5,000 acres in Buffalo. When he refused, they simply "bonded on"--the energy companies' practice of posting a bond required by the Bureau of Land Management (BLM), after which they can legally exercise their leased mineral rights. The size of the bond posted for use of 1,280 acres: $2,176, of which Adami has not seen a penny. "To get the money, I have to sue," says Adami, 51, whose ancestors were Wyoming sharecroppers. "That won't even cover my attorney's fees." He seethes at the 16 wells and miles of trenches that render a large parcel of his land unsuitable for grazing his 180 head of cattle....
The bureau, a division of the Department of the Interior, leases the rights by auction to such energy producers as BP America and Anadarko. But state officials say the agency is handing out leases too quickly, favoring the interests of oil and gas companies over those of citizens. (Many point out that Halliburton--former employer of native son Dick Cheney--is a major player in oil-field services.) Urged by the Bush Administration, the bureau approved four times as many applications to drill on public lands in five Western states in fiscal 2004 as it did five years earlier...

I'm pissed today and didn't know where to post. I won't get into it here so I'll attack another fav of mine, Mr Ruin the Planet - Bush. I feel so unsafe with having that jerk calling the shots. the world is such an unsaafe place thanks to him. And it's all about the OIL. So enough for now, I need to get to work.

Update...

Here's the story. My scan appears ok. There had been some spots on lungs that they are not sure what they are. It may be scar tissue, it may not be. Since my toe is still a problem, they have decided to give me two weeks off (for good behaviour) then resume treatment every two weeks instead of every week. The chemo can become ineffective after a while so they (Onc) feel that lowering my doseage and skipping a week and still getting scans every two months is the best way to go at this point. I don't really see things changing much for the future. I think this is going to be something I will have to manage from now on. My hope is that I will continue to ride the crest of the wave of cancer research and stay ahead of it.
So that's the scoop.

Somehow I knew this was going to be the story. I was talking with Dana about this and I said that I know I didn't will this to happen, but I certainly called it. I knew I'd get near the end of treatment and they'd go "Well...there seems to be something we don't really know what it is so we have to continue treatment...blah, blah, blah" This happened last year after the liver was worked on. There were some spots on my my lungs back then that were probably nothing but... So after I stoped chemo for a few weeks, they found out that the spots were indeed something (tumors) and I started the year plus treatment of that issue. So is the glass half full or half empty? I think it's a glass of piss personally. I don't see an end in sight, I feel I will be in treatment managing this condition forever. Surprising, I'm not as bummed as I figured I would be. I guess I'm just thrilled I won't be throwing up on my birthday this week. Two weeks off may not sound like much, but when you've been dealing with this shit for over 2 1/2 years it IS a big deal. I won't have cramps for two weeks and maybe my foot might get better so I can put it in a shoe. Well, I doubt that will happen but maybe it will get a bit better. I had to cut the toe area out of a pair of sneakers so I can cut the lawn. I had been cramming my foot into a sneaker but I couldn't take the pain of that anymore so I cut the shoe.

Anyway, the thing with cancer is that it is really never over. Once you have it, you're fucked. It is always in the back of your mind that it will resurface even if they give you the clean bill of health. Some lesser cancers caught early may give you the ability to be cured. I'm really fucking lucky to be here now. If I followed my first Doctor's advice, I'm sure I'd be dead by now. I just really hope that at some point, I can be off treatment for an extended amount of time and sort of have a normal life and not be doing the chemo and have all of these issues anymore.

Following Boo's Lead...

I'm spent. I'm way too stressed as of late to do much blogging. The chemo's got me going nuts and my toe problems and splitting skin are a pain. I'm probably going to post my results on Monday, then I may take my final two months off from blogging. Maybe I'll just post pictures on Flickr or maybe the other blog, but I may even shut that down too. I really think I've run out of things to say at this point. The stresses of my daily life are mounting as is my daily intake of meds. Usually when I say this, I wind up blogging even more and looking like a nut.

Thanks everyone for your support

Two Years Ago

Two years ago today, I had my first surgery to start to remove the cancer from my body. It started around 5 pm, and went until something like 2 am. They took out a small piece of my colon, 60% of my liver, my gallbadder, lymph nodes and they installed my hepatic pump. I felt like I was hit by a Mack Truck. Today I had a CT scan. I see my Oncologist on Monday and if things go as planned I hope to hear that I only have 8 treatments to go then I can stop.

Not as Bad as I feared (so far)

So here I am at work yesterday. My friend Karen took this picture with my digital camera. She's teaching a course on Digital Photography at a local college. She's quite the photog, and of course, I'm the ultimate subject. So I cut my hair short and I think it scared the rest of it and it seems to have slowed down with falling out. Time will tell but it's not as bad as I thought it might be. Dana says I look like a coach :-)
(or was it a couch?)
I don't know why I'm joking, I'm in so much pain now with stomach cramps. Thank GOD I'm able to take some FML (Family Medical Leave) days this week. It was very good news that this was an option for me. OK, back to being miserable. I just took two percocets, a xanax and a phenobarbital. Guess what? Still hurting. They did a MAJOR toe job on me Monday too. It's not been well for about 10 months or so. The drug, erbitux, that I am on has something to do with epidermal growth factors or some shit. What the bottom line is that I have developed an ingrown toenail which would normally be a piece of cake to fix. This, however, gets stuck in a vicious cycle where it keeps getting infected and the skin keeps growing back under the nail. We are trying a different approach by taping a Q-tip on the edge of the nail to keep that skin away from the nail. The complication came when the Doctor had to numb the area via a needle. Now mind you, the skin there is so sensitive to the touch anyway, so having a needle stuck in it was so fucking incredible, it was a new level of pain. the worst part was that I had to sit there an wait for them to come back in to do the procedure. I still can't believe how much it hurt at the time. The good news is that it seems to be a little better. I also have to do yet another round of anti-biotics. At least this should all clear up when I'm done with the chemo in about 12 more weeks.
So that's the story.

Oh Happy Day

Update

I go Monday to SK for the midpoint evaluation. I talk with a nurse who works for my oncologist and we go over side effects and stuff like that. Well tomorrow I'll show up minus a lot of hair. I basically have a crew cut if you can even call it that. It's very thin and seems to be getting spotty too in the areas that I do have hair. I may also go out on partial disability this week too. I'll be able to collect pay for the days I can't work due to the side effects. Those are becoming more frequent lately. After all of this time I can't do it (the work thing) anymore. I think it's going to be a good thing. I'm also undecided if I'm going to wear a hat at work or just go with the new streamline look.
Whatever, I need a nap. I'm tired

It's not the Cancer, it's the Cure that's killing me

So as many of you know, I'm real bummed. I've been dealing with this cancer shit for over 2 1/2 years and for over 70 something treatments. Now, as I come into the home stretch, the fucking cure is making the rest of my body fall apart. I didn't just post the pictures but I have links if anyone is curious as to what is going on. I now it's superficial and all of that and my hair will grow back etc, but it's happening to me and I don't like it and with everything else cancer related, I can't do a fucking thing about it except deal with it (or not). I just find it annoying that I've gone this far without this shit and now it has to happen?? My toe is getting infected (again) and is swollen and hurts like hell. My hair is falling out like crazy. I talked to the boys and Dyl said he didn't really notice, but when I tilted his head he was like 'holy shit' (not his words) He is upset although I assured him that it will grow back. I may even have him and Grif and Dana help me shave it off (thanks MyUtopia for the suggestion). I don't know when or what I'm going to do yet. I won't let it fall out in patches though, I do think the time is getting closer. My hands, which I did not photograph, are sore as hell with many little splits in my fingers. They are very dry and lotions seems to do little to help. I find it very hard to play guitar now which makes things even worse emotionally for me. And on the emotional front, all I feel like doing is crying or punching holes in walls. I have to take at least 4-6 percocets a day for the pains and a bunch of other shit to numb me so I can get through the day. This is the EASY week folks. I am investigating taking a disablity leave but I have 13 weeks or so to go and I only can get 6 weeks at 100%. I can get another 19 weeks at 66 2/3% but that won't cut it financially because we live paycheck to paycheck and are in a deep enough hole as it is. There is a chance I can work a week, then be off a week (repeat until I go through 13 weeks) but I'll still have to be a bald, rashy, cancer looking person at work for the entire time. I just want to crawl under a rock until it's over, but I can't. Please, if anyone comments, don't tell me I look good anyway blah, blah, blah. I'm just venting and showing you (if you care to look) why I'm so fucking pissed.
Head
Head
Face
My Toe

Just What I've Dreaded...

This first picture was taken in early May, a few weeks after my lung operation. This second one was taken last night at like 2 am. I can't friggin sleep. I sleep about 4-5 hours at best. I've had 70 something chemos over the span of 2 1/2 years and it looks like finally, I may be having my hair fall out. Sure, I'm almost 49 but over the past few weeks when I get out of the shower and towel off, I see all of my hair all over my arms and other parts. I'm very depressed about this. I really thought that I was going to escape this with my hair intact. Being bald isn't the end of the world but it seems that I will also still have the rash (which isn't really present in teh first picture because things cleard up once I got off of the the Erbitux) so I'll have a rashy, pimpley fucking bald head. I don't feel I have the cranium for this either. I was so hoping to get through this last 4 months intact, but I don't see it happening. A year ago I was looking at do-rags because I thought I'd lose it then. I know it's superficial and all of that and there are many guys who are bald. This is more symbolic for me I guess. It's really a statement to the world that I have cancer, I could sneak by before because I had hair and really looked pretty good (IMO) considering all I've been through. So the next question is will it grow back? It should but there is no saying if it will. I'm really not ready for this. I was really depressed before but thank God for drugs, after a mouthful of them I'm ready to blog it and post the picture. This my resolve my previous post at least because I'm not oing to want to talk to anyone.

Otherwise, it's a nice day outside. I'm off to the farm. Dana has a wedding she is playing violin at this afternoon ($150 for the ceremony) then she has a singing gig in a coffeehouse in NJ (just for tips, she's lucky to get $10 but it gets her out and singing).

aches and pains and being naked

I'm in a major funk. I ache from head to toe lately, part of it is the cancer, part of it is a bad back. I finally took a vacation two weeks ago and all of the sitting in the car made my back act up again. I was rolling up the pool cover last Monday and I felt my back go. The pain got worse so I went back to my chiropractor. I'm starting to feel some relief but it surely is taking it's time. I have to take two percocets just so I don't ache in the morning. My skin is getting bad again with split fingers on my hands and cracked heels on my feet. My left toe, the one that's been trouble, is getting worse again. I had done a round of antibiotics two weeks ago to stave off an infection that was starting. It keeps happening to the same toe and if I bump it, it hurts. It even hurts putting a sock on it. It will probably recover when I finally get off of the chemo in 14 weeks or so. That will hopefully be it but with this shit you never know. I will have done about 90 treatments by the time it's over. I can't believe it. Now it's been about 2 1/2 years too that I've been dealing with cancer. It feels like forever. It's hard to remember not having to do chemo. I'm really quite bummed about all of this. It was so difficult to get started with chemo after my April 24th surgery. I loved having 7 weeks off from it even if they did cut an 8 inch gash in my side. Vacation was kind of interesting in that regard. I got quite a few stares in the beach. At first I was thinking I would wear t-shirts on the beach to cover myself and not show my scars. When I got there I said fuck it and didn't cover them. The only thing more disgusting would have been if I wore a Speedo I think. Maybe it was my imagination too, they could have been staring at my belly since it's gotten larger. Partly because I put on weight and partly because I herniated my abdoman after my first operation so it's a little more chunky than it should be. OK, I'm fat. Well I got off topic. I'm supposed to be bummed out. Well that's what 6 percocets in a day will do to ya I guess. I did just come back inside from swimming with Griffin. I had to close the pool for the night. I always cover it with the solar cover to keep the warmth in the pool. the air is about 67 and the water is 85 still. We saw the moon rising and plenty of stars. It's a very crisp night. We also both skinny dipped. It was Griffin's first time. It really is a wonderful feeling swimming naked. I doubt I'd ever go to a nudie beach but I have no problem with swimming that way in my own pool. So I started this post complaining and wound up naked in my pool. Not bad, I hope tomorrow is as good...

The Results are In

I got my CT results yesterday. Everything is looking good. I have another 4 months of treatments to go then I should be done. I am once again cautiously optimistic. I have begun to realize that I have a chronic illness, hopefully I won't die from it, but I will die with it. It is still very hard to wrap my mind around all that has happened over the past 2 1/2 years. I've lost track on the chemos, I'm somewhere in the 70+ area. I am looking at 16 more, 8 real bad weeks and 8 not so bad weeks. I just got back from a week on Cape Cod MA. I haven't vacationed in 9 years. It was wonderful! We all had a great time, it was fantastic to spend time with my family. I think this was the best vacation ever because it was the first with Grif, and the first since being diagnosed with cancer.

On a side note, a very dear friend of mine is having some medical issues. Please pray for her

Update...

How do I start? I've been blogging a while, a little over a year, but I've had cancer longer. About two years and I've been married much longer than that, seventeen years in October. I bitch about all of these. This really isn't the forum for marrige woes but since I've posted them, I thought I'd also mention that I asked Dana to go to therapy with me and she accepted. We went the other day and it was a postive experience. It wasn't a finger pointing session which was good because it shouldn't be but it was a chance to clear the aire, voice our issues, and start to figure out how to get both of our needs met as much as possible. My therapist is real good. I feel she's helped me a lot over the past year I've been going to her. Dana's noticed a change in me as have I. So now we're changing things and it's been a big improvement.

I think anyone who's been in a relationship knows that they do take work, but they are priceless.

Side note - I go for a CT scan tomorrow. then we go to the Cape of Cod for a week (I get to skip chemo) then I'll get the results the following Monday.
Have a great week everyone

W A I T . . .

I'm here today for my 70th(?) treatment. I've lost count but I know it's around there somewhere. I got here at my usual 7:30 am and since today is my single dose day, I should have been out of here by 10 10:30 but instead, I have to see the dermatologist because my toes are all screwed up (again). She must be the only one in the entire city because there is always a wait. It's after 12 now and it's about 95 degrees outside. I should be home swimming but I'm not, not even close. My toes really have gotten bad over the past few weeks, this has been going on since the winter. I spent most of the winter wearing sandals as I still am doing now. My hands, mostly my fingers, and the heels of my feet are splitting quite badly. I started using a liquid bandage to help seal the gaps. It seems to help or at least help it from getting worse.
I wish I'd get the fuck in the office already!!!

An Interesting Week Ahead

Today is Saturday, July 8th. It's a nice hot day, I'm poolside on the laptop. I may wind up running a line from the DSL line to the outside. It's wireless, but for seem reason it's flaky here. I was able to connect from my hospital lasat week when I went for chemo. I brought my web cam so I did a little filming. I was trying to connect with the folks at home but it didn't happen. My wife and kids are headed down to the Jersy Shore this week. Dana's Uncle Jack is renting two houses down there, one for his side of the family and one for Dana's side. Her uncle and her Mom are brother and sister. So, if everyone goes with their little kids there is the potential for 45 people being down there. Dana's family is very nice, I get along with them but spending a week there would be rather difficult if I felt good but this week coming up is my dreaded double dose week so I think I'm getting a pardon from the governor so I won't be going. I really would like to go for a few days but I'll be busy puking and either shitting or not (still not sure which is worse. The asshole is the boss of the human body though (and how). If it's not working everything else shuts down. I'm not even going to start to feel better until sometime Thursday. We are headed for a vacation to Cape Cod in afew weeks so I can wait for that. Also that is going to be coming off a good week. I will be having a CT Scan the Friday before I go so I should be nice and distracted so I won't worry about the results until after I get back. I kind of want to get into other stuff here but I'm not sure I will now. It's basically the same shit, different day. Let me say this. We took 7 kids, only two are ours and two were these girls that Dylan has been hanging around with, to the movies to see Pirates of the Carribean, and I paid for everything. I loved doing it, we were the cool parents. Someone else wasn't as thrilled about it as I was. Life's short, too short. Enjoy it.
~see, same shit, different day
PS: I don't know what posessed me, but I asked Dana if she would go to couseling with me. I asked her my place or hers (meaning therapists) We will go to mine. We're stuck big time. There is the cancer stuff and the normal marriage stuff. We'll start that next week. Let the fun begin.
Today already I've had to deal with a bunch of computer related stuff. I can't believe how much they fuck that machine up.