Crazy Again

Why is it that just about every fucking night I don't have either a glass or knive or something at the fucking dinner table. It's bad enough I have to do practically all of the fucking cooking, tonight I go out for chinese food (because you don't take shit out to defrost even though you're home all day) and the fucking table isn't set right. Everyone else has a fucking glass.

FUCK

And another fucking thing, we've had this conversation like 4 times about the retaining wall in our front yard. It's there for a FUCKING REASON! To KEEP or RETAIN the lawn out off the FUCKING DRIVEWAY. Why must you keep taking it APART! DON'T YOU GET IT???? I come back after getting chemo yesterday and again you took down more of the FUCKING WALL.

Pictures from NYC

I had a little fun with PhotoShop with these photo's

Lincoln Center









Fountain at Lincoln Center












Building in front of Lincoln Center










Time Warner Building












Time Warner Building












Scultpture by Julliard - yes Lincoln Center again









If I EVER get an ass like this, I hope someone shoots me!

RAK

I did some good deeds today. I was driving home from work (yes, I went in) and I saw some guy walking on a highway carrying a gas can. I turned around and stopped and asked if he needed a ride. He say 'sure' and hooed in. I normally do not pick up people (especially guys) but I thought that if I was out of gas, I'd want a ride. I brought him to a gas station and back to his car. As it turned out, he is a NYC motorcycle cop. He gave me his name and work number and said if I ever needed anything, to give him a call (Ladies, he looked like George Clooney, if anyone wants his number....) It just felt good to help someone out. One more 'pat on my back', the toaster oven at work pooped out about 2 months ago. I stopped at a store today and bought a new one. I left it there with a sign that read 'Let Them Eat Toast'. It's the little things in life...

Back to My New Normal - Fucking Nuts

So yesterday was my 48th birthday. I really had a great time. I got a good night's sleep the night before, I kissed my wife before I left for work, I got a bunch of 'Happy Birthdays' from people at work (they were going to take me out for pizza - we do this for many people, but it was one woman's baby shower that day and being swamped with work, I couldn't justify taking 2-3 hours off), I had very many 'Happy Birthday's' from Blogging friends who I never met but yet I feel close to many of you. My horoscope was rather true which I find pretty freaky.

Phooey on paperwork and routine tasks.You've got bigger fish to fry.Life feels exhilarating and brand-new.Is there any way you could put off your chores for just a little whilelonger and revel in this feeling? Why not?

I mean, I have bigger fish to fry. I have to get the rest of this cancer out of my body. I've been living in limbo since February 04 when I was diagnosed. It's been a few months at a time as to what my treatment will be and what my status is.

put off your chores for just a little while
longer and revel in this feeling?

Why can't I? I do have a stong work ethic. I know I've been blogging a lot (sometimes from work) I try to sometimes set up the main part of my post the night before adn tweak it when I get in, which is usually 6:30 or 7 am. I'm only supposed to work 35 hrs a week, but I sometimes do much more. I also take days off for chemo and don't mark it as a sick day so it balances out. But I worked from Feb - Sept last year and had 6 months of chemo every other week and only missed the chemo days, plus I kayaked every day for 81 days. Rain, shine, chemo, no chemo. I found that relaxing, but I was obsessed to say the least.

Your imagination is one of your richest assets, but it's important that you don't let it spiral out of control, especially when it comes to romantic matters. It's pretty easy to get so caught up in fantasy that you convince yourself it's real. Take some deep breaths and ground yourself in reality before you make any decisions or commit yourself to something that might have many more layers to it than you originally assumed.

This really freaks me out because it is too true, especially about the romantic matters. I've been married for almost 16 years. Most of that has been good. I've fucked up a little (last year's incident with Kris - an earlier post) and Dana has fucked up too. She's been very supportive and has been there for me with all of this cancer shit, always wanting to do more, I tend to push her away at times because I don't want to have her worry too much. But I feel like I've had very strong feelings for a few women I work with, a few of my nurses and even a few 'blogger types'. I feel like I've gotten most of this under control. I talk about this kind of stuff with my therapist, who is a woman who, you guessed it, I'm somewhat attracted to also. I know that chemo which also contains some steroids plays MAJOR tricks with my head and my emotions. Some women I've talked to say it sounds like I have PMS.

I had a strange-ish thing happen yesterday/today at work with someone. She was very supportive with the whole Kris thing last year and with having cancer, she's always been there to listen and I kept my distance emotionally from her to some extent because we both know how I can be. I always seem to start to well up though when I talk with her. Anyway, I stopped by to bring my bamboo plant over for a 'playdate' with her plants. She has a green thumb and my plant has been looking a little pale. I think she was amused by how I phrased it, so I left the plant there. I got it later and sent an email saying thanks for the playdate and I signed it Bamboo(zled) which is weird, but I thought it was a funny name for the plant, but to bamboozle someone is to like trick them. Anyway, she thought I was leaving it there for a week or two so she was wondering why I tool it back. I also felt strange because I was somewhat hiding my birthday (couldn't you tell by my bloggin posts? How egotistical was that!) and I didn't want it to be a real big deal, although I had my doubts last year if I would see another birthday so I think I was in rare form all day. I stopped by today to sort of explain my strangeness to her and of course she didn't think too much of it, but she is real intuitive and just knew something was not right. So I said that I'm doing ok (which most of the time is true) but I've been keeping a low profile. But I feel like I've been keeping away from her, but she told me that she may have things going on for her too and 'it's not all about me' and that stopped me in mid sentence and I said 'you're right, it isn't all about me'. I guess where I'm going with this is that I sometimes think that I interpret people's reactions as it being about me, when it isn't. I think it's great it isn't about me. She's also told me 'I think too much' which I do, and I don't think about the right things. I obsess about the wrong stuff. Even looking at my horoscope it says I can let things spiral out of control. I have to try to stop that, it's not healthy. Well folks and new readers to my blog, this is the other side of me. I'm probably thinking too much now and most of this must sound rather insane. Just wait until next week when I get the double dose again. I also have a CT scan coming up in 3 weeks so I'll get kookie for that too. Don't get cancer folks, it sucks big time!

I'm not afraid of having Birthdays, I'm afraid of not having them!

Phooey on paperwork and routine tasks.
You've got bigger fish to fry.
Life feels exhilarating and brand-new.
Is there any way you could put off
your chores for just a little while
longer and revel in this feeling?
Why not?

Your imagination is one of your richest
assets, but it's important that you
don't let it spiral out of control,
especially when it comes to romantic matters.
It's pretty easy to get so caught up in
fantasy that you convince yourself
it's real. Take some deep breaths and
ground yourself in reality before you
make any decisions or commit yourself
to something that might have many more
layers to it than you originally assumed.

09.27.05 SK Revisited

For those of you New readers, here is a post I did a month or so ago about my trip into SK for a treatment.

#36 Done

It seem like a long time since I've posted here. I had a rough week with the last round of chemo. Major stomach aches that went from last Tuesday night until about 5 am Monday morning. I've been going on with about 4 hours of sleep each night (and we don't even have a baby anymore). I went to NYC for my 36th chemo today. It was the single dose so it wasn't too bad. I got out at 11 am and took the bus crosstown back to my car. On the bus, I noticed that I would see people walking down the street, then the bus would go maybe a block because of traffic, then I would see the same people walking by the bus. So I got off at Columbus Circle and had a sandwich on a bench, then walked through Lincoln Center and by the fountain and back to the car. I do enjoy the city and all of the people watching it offers. My stomach has finally settled down. Tonight, I got a call from my friend Rick (see link on his name), he's sending guys over this week to close my pool for me. Too much, too much. The funny thing was that I was going to stop by his shop today to talk to him about what I need to do to shut down the pool, plus I am going to be building him a kickass website over the winter. There goes my psychic connection with people again, I love it!
Back to work tomorrow, I hope I sleep...

Loose Lips...

This doesn't surprise me, and I'm not sure it is blog-worthy, but here goes. Last summer when I was in the midst of all of the cancer stuff, being diagnosed, undergoing chemo etc, I was real fucked up emotionally and my feelings were all over the place. I had that incident with the woman I worked with (which I think is still not common knowledge) and I also talked to too many people about what I was going through, both physically and mentally. I sort of let it all hang out. I know I made some people real uncomfortable by sharing so much. I gained some friends and I lost some too. I don't blame them, I don't blame me. I've learned (I think) from that experience. The other day, I heard from a friend about something I had told someone last summer in confidence. I don't remember making them swear on a bible or anything, but it was a sensitive, potentially embarassing thing that I wouldn't want to be common office gossip. It appears it did become that for a little while. My friend at work I trust like very few people I have ever met and I know she didn't say this to hurt my feelings or anything like that and I was glad she mentioned it to me becaue now I know that you really have to becareful who you tell what to. I gossip probably as much as the next person, but if someone tells me something in confidence, I keep it that way. That's how I am, not everyone is like that. At least I know why I get funny looks now ;-)
PS -Off to family function, I still have incredible cramping - I fucking hate this but it should be better tonight or tomorrow. Back in on Monday for the single dose which isnt' too bad...
Have a great weekend everyone

Wednesday...

Feeling rather crummy today. Today and tomorrow will be the worst days after the double dose of chemo I had this past Monday. I took it easy on the other med's they gave me and firgured I'd just ride this out and get it over with. It seemed like the new med's just put off the inevitable. I still had bad stomach cramps. My skin has cleared up a lot, but now it's getting too dry and my fingers and feet are cracking and almost bleeding. No 'Foot of the Month" for me Mo. If I can get my ass in our swimming pool tomorrow, I will have gone swimming in the spring, summer, and fall. The water's about 68-70 so I know I can go in. It's a pain in the ass with clearing the leaves all of the time.

The Day I was De-Livered

One year ago today, Sept 20th, I went in for my operation to remove my cancer. The prep for it, which I did the day before, really sucked. I don't know if anyone has had the pleasure of a colonoscopy, but I basically had to do the same thing as if I was having one of those. They give you this stuff to drink that tastes horrible, then after a few hours you pretty much evacuate everything you've eaten since the fourth grade if you know what I mean. Then you have to starve yourself for about 24 hours. The day of the operation I was real quiet at home. I was scheduled for a 5 pm start time with a 2 o'clock arrival. I went with my wife and my brother. They were talking, I was not saying much. I think they were trying to take my mind off of things but I remember being very focused. Last year it fell on a Monday. I had kayaked for 81 consecutive days (even through 6 months of chemo) and stopped on Saturday. I spent my whole summer preparing physically and mentally for this day. I also spent almost every night getting drunk. I had gotten so drunk one night (the night I told Dana about that woman at work) that I fell backwards into the bathtub when I was taking a leak and took down the shower curtain. I had never been a fall down drunk, I was always the funny, happy drunk. Dana was concerned because I was getting pretty hammered every night. I had a coffee and Kaluha the other week and 1/4 of a beer the other night, otherwise I haven't been allowed to drink. I miss it and I don't. Anyway, I'm getting side tracked here (so much for my focus anymore). I remember having to say goodbye to Dana and Larry and having to get into hospital garb. I insisted on bringing my spare eyeglasses because I can't see well at all without them and I wanted to know what was going on before they put me under. They gave me a little bit of a hard time, but they let me wear them. I had to take off my wedding ring too, that sucked because I've worn it for almost 16 years at the time. I also had to take off my necklace with a celtic cross that I've had for many years and my LiveStrong bracelet that I've worn since getting cancer. They wheeled me in a wheelchair and I got to see Dana and Larry again before they brought me through the doors and toward the O.R. I told them I'd see them later...It was almost 5 pm. I remember going into the operating room. It was real cold, I didn't mind. I guess they don't want the doctors dripping sweat into you. They covered me with this air blanket that had hot air blowing into it. I remember thinking how Dana would love one of these, she's often cold while I have shorts and a T-shirt on. It was kind of interesting in there, I never had major surgery before. There were many people in there and they all have masks on (to protect their identities). I was making small talk with many of them. I remember the room was rather old looking too. Not spotless like I thought it would be. It was a little after 5 when the surgeons came in. I had one for the liver resection and pump installation and one for the colon resection. The operation lasted until 2 am - 8 hours long. I vaguely remember seeing Dana and Larry in the post op room. After seeing them, I remember checking to see if I had a coloscopy bag, I didn't. They left my asshole where it was. I was thrilled. Going in to this I didn't know if they would give me a temporary bag, a permanant one, or leave things as they were. They wound up taking out 60% of my liver, my gallbladder, some lymph nodes, a section of my lower intestine (8 inches or so) and they installed a hepatic pump under my skin. I woke up again at about 10 am. They were on my case to start walking already. I have a scar that goes from just under my sternum to an inch or two above my navel, then it goes to the right for about 8-9 inches. I have another scar to the left where they put the pump in. That is about 5 inches long. The pump is like the size of a hockey puck. I'm used to it now. I also have a scar that runs from my navel, south to right above my 'whatchamacallit'. I felt like I was thrown down a flight of stairs. I did not prepare for all of the pain I would experience. The next 16 days in the hospital were real rough. I didn't eat for about 2 weeks, I was allowed only limited ice chips for liquid. Everything else was done by IV. The pain from the surgery was incredible (I'm still feeling the pain) and I had to try to walk everyday. It hurt so much. It took me forever to do anything. I remember the World Series was on so I watched some of that, the presidential debates were on so I watched some of those and Mt St Helens was erupting so I was trying to get inspiration to either pass wind (which was a prerequisite to leaving the hospital - funny, I'm usually asked NOT to do that) or to have a BM (I hate that term). Anyway, this is going on and on. The nurses were great, I met some cool folks. I had like 4 roommates. There is a funny story about one of them that I will post at a later date. I finally went home after 16 days. As soon as I got home, I threw up. It felt good to do it at home. It seems like yesterday, it seems like forever ago...I'm glad I'm Blogging ;-)

Another Blood Test

I had another blood test today. I've had them stick my finger so many times. I've been pricked more times than Paris Hilton!

I Finally Pulled the Cancer Card

It finally happened. I actually went to work today (Sunday) at around 5 pm and worked until 9 pm. I am working on this real pain in the neck project and since I won't be in Monday because of chemo, I thought I'd go in to see if I could get some stuff done, which I did. I left at 9 and was driving home. I did get a new-ish car and it ride nice so I really didn't notice that I was doing 63 mph in a 45 mph zone. Apparently Mr. Policeman did notice. I slowed down but he pulled me over anyway. This town is notorious for being strict with the speed limit. "The sign says 45 mph, not 46" is their slogan. So I pulled right over, got my licence, registration and insurance card ready. Mr. Policeman came up to me and right away I said that I realized I was going a little fast back there, to which he replied 'you were doing 63 mph in a 45 mph zone'. I said that I was just going home after leaving work and that I have cancer and I have to go to the city for chemo tomorrow. He took my cards and said he has to check on them. After about 3 minutes, he came back, handed me my cards and said to slow down a little. I said I'll slow down a lot and I thanked him. It's the first time I've pulled the cancer card but I figured what the heck, what's the worse thing that could have happened?

Saturday - one more day to go...

It's Saturday! Today is my 4 year anniversary of starting to work where I work, so that is cool. On the 10th of Sept it was my 1 year anniversary of being put on staff, even better. Today my oldest son (almost 12) had his test for a stripe in Tang So Do (a karate type martial art). He aced it I'm sure. It's been a pretty good week for me, physically and mentally. I have another day 'off' then I go back for the double whammy chemo on Monday. I dread it, I've blogged it before so I won't again. The good thing is that I can blog from the doctors office. What's even better is that I am beating this cancer. Screw the blogs! Although I do enjoy it and I had fun doing the MeMe. I usually poo-poo the MeMe type stuff but I decided to do it and break out of my 'mold' that I so often would keep myself in. A great benefit of cancer I suppose is that I make more of an effort to get my act together, I feel time is more important in that regard...

This and That, That and This

I'm feeling generally good. I still have a bit of abdominal pain, more from the operation (which was one year ago on the Sept 20th) than from the chemo. I did get a hernia in my abdominal wall a few weeks ago so that I suppose is making things worse. I don't know what the course of action is going to be for that. I'll ask when I see the Doc in person in 5-6 weeks. I think part of my better mental state is that I am getting some postitive things from therapy and I have been listening to the Bernie Siegel book on tape. He talks about the Exceptional Patient who I think I am. There are maybe 15-20% of cancer patients who refuse to give in and be a statistic, I want to be in that percentile. I know I can be...

Trying to Mend Fences

I work with a woman who, how can I put this, hates my fucking guts. Without going into too much detail, we were friends for about a year before I was diagnosed with cancer. We're both married. After I was diagnosed, she was very supportive and was someone I could talk to, she was studying to be a psychologist, and our friendship was going ok. I crossed a line and became emotionally dependent/attached to her. It imploded on me and I said something I shouldn't have (nothing nasty or vulgar) the chemo and steroids and the stress of everything got the better of me. She basically told me to 'fuck off'. Anyway, I've been getting the staring through me thing for about a year I guess. I almost physically ran into her a few weeks ago and out of a reflex said "Hi", I got nothing back at all except a cold stare. It bugged me because although she accepted my appology for what I said to her, I know she never forgave me. I brought this up with my therapist (my wife also knew what happened, I told her at the time and she understood) and my therapist asked me if I forgave myself, which I feel I have. If anyone's gone through cancer they may understand, it's an incredible mindfuck. So I/we have been avoiding each other for about a year. We work in the same department but in different aspects of production so we really never had to interact. Well, as fate would have it, we are both on the same project and we have to attend meetings together (in the same room at the same time). It was terrifying for me at first because I did not want to be in the same room as someone who I feel hates me, but my manager asked me if I wanted to attend the meetings representing our group and I said yes. I figured it was time to face the music. There was an 'negative energy' in the room, but it wasn't very noticeable. We didn't have to interact with each other so I survived the meeting. I've been to maybe 5 meetings so far. Yesterday I was there and 'my friend' had a wicked sniffle. I mean, she was sucking up snot like a 3 yr old. For one, it was annoying and I could tell she wasn't too comfortable either. I had to go to use the restroom and on my way back, I was able to find a box of tissues. When I came back in, I placed them by her and said something like 'it sounds like you could use these'. She either said 'Thank You' or Fuck You'. I think it was the first one and not the latter. When the meeting was over, she again said one or the other and I said 'not a problem'. I would have done that for anyone, but since it was her, it took a little more courage to make the move so to speak. I know this is not going to make things better and it was not my intention when I went to get the tissues. I just want to have it so it's not uncomfortable for me and I would really like it if she one day forgave me or at least understood what I was going through at the time. I try to be more careful who I confide in now. Most people really don't want to hear my cancer and I can't say I blame them...
...time will tell if she forgives me, life goes on.

What I'm Reading *

Here are two books that I am 'reading'. By that I mean I got the Bernie Seigel book on tape (which was recommended by my therapist, I've heard other people talk about it too) and the Wayne Dyer book on CD (which was recommended by a good friend who is also a 'therapist' of sorts for me). I have such a hard time sitting down with a book and reading it that I thought that I would try the audio versions since I have a 30 minute ride to and from work each day.













*any coincidence to any other bloggers who might
find themselves in a spiritual slump, is purely karmic
(karmic relief?)

A Cure for the Side Effects

I have just discovered that diving into a pool where the water is a brisk 65 degrees does wonders for the side effects of chemo. The only problem is that I can't type now ;-)

#34 Done

It's not quite 10 am and I am done getting chemo #34. This is a record, I'm usually not out of here until 12 noon at best.

This Weekend

We all know what today is and where we were when we heard/saw it. The world will never be the same, I feel less safe than I ever did. I don't worry about it, I guess that is part of my new normal too. Tomorrow is another trip to the city, I tense up going over the GW Bridge (that ain't George Walker either), then I have to ride a bus, get chemo and do the reverse to get home.#34 that will be. Yesterday marked another milestone for me too. It was one year ago that the company I had been temping for almost 3 years at, put me on staff so I would have better benefits and I could be treated at SK in the city at practically no out of pocket cost vs 'plan B' which was to get a second mortgage on my Mom's house which would not have paid for everything anyway. I will never forget all those who came to bat for me and hired me. They are top level VP's who became and still are my friends. They saved my life, I don't know if they realize that.
Today my family and my sister in law's family all went for a bicycle ride on the Heritage Trail. It's a 15(?) mile paved bike trail. It was great. We only did maybe 4 miles because we had the Grif and Lilster with us. It has been a very long time since I took a ride, it felt great. I did find out that I have a herniated abdominal wall (I thought I was just FAT) so I felt it. I have a support belt (alright, a girdle) that I wear if I do anything strenuous. All in all it was fun. I hope to ride again soon. I've riden my bike up Mt Mansfield and Mt Washington, the tallest peaks in Vermont and New Hampshire. The bike is over 20 years old and is one of the first Mountain Bikes that you could buy. It's great!

What did you have for breakfast today?

So this is my daily breakfast. None of these are vitamins, none of these are chemo. These are just what I have to take to control the side effects of the chemo and/or to keep some sort of sanity and functionality in my day-to-day life. When I think of how my memory has gone to hell, so to speak, I'm amazed that I can function in my job. Some may dispute that (and I know who you are) but for the most part, I do a rather technical job and there are many things to remember. I can't tell you what I watched last night on TV (ok, probably tennis) but my short term memory is shit. I also have a tough time dealing with much of the psychological side effects of the cancer and also, to my surprise, the steroids really fuck with your mind. I find that I am on an incredible rollercoaster of emotions where one minute I feel fine, then I'm on the verge of tears, then I'm in a rage where I flip out. I've already dented my regrigerator and broke my hand when I hauled off and punched it. My hand is fine now and the refrigerator is behaving. I never quite know what to expect except to expect the unexpected ( I sound like Rumsfeld with the known knowns and the known unknowns, and the unknown unknowns).