Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Thanks Everyone
Thanks everyone for your support and comments. I had a little better news than I had expected. The flip side to all of this is that I have to go through at best, another 8 weeks of chemo hell, Maybe that's the coin on it's edge, the flip side is that it would not be working and I would waste away or have surgery. I find my mood to be cautiously optimistic at best, my wife, being happy about the news, seemed to blow this off as well, you're ok now and out of the woods. I don't quite see it that way. What I feel this means is that the chemo is still working, and we will reevaluate this in 8 weeks. Just like I've been doing for 16 weeks. I most certainly do not see this as I'm cured. It really makes me a little pissed - her attitude that is. We had a fight before I went in to see the doctor. Dana feels that the doctor should be able to give me more facts about my condition. I don't see it that way. What we have here (is failure to communicate - ooopps, wrong movie) is the fact that I am on new protocols for colon cancer. If this was 5 years ago, I'd be dead. The data that is out there now on the internet, which by the way is not good or accurate (the 5 year survival for Stage IV is rare at best) stinks. I am part of the group of people that is creating the next bunch of data and survival statistics. I was talking to my brother about this and he said 'if Dana wants definate answers, then my Doctor could treat me with the drugs that were available 5 years ago. Then we'd know how long I'd live'. I'm trying to ride the crest of the wave in to the shore. I don't want it to collapse on me and drown me or have it pass me by. I want to stay right on top of the technology. If I can last 3 years, they may have new drugs that will keep me alive longer. I can see that this is hard on her too, but I think that I don't play this up so I make it seem like it's not as bad as it really is. Now, this is all strange because people I know (sort of ) read this plus my other blog so I must look like a nut job a lot. I have been finding that I am editing myself on this one which I never did before. So, that's where I'm at right now. I am glad that the past 16 weeks have been for something and that I'm getting 'better'. I'm not looking forward to the chemo, the rash, the hair falling out, the cramps, the manic behavior. Part of me is pissed because last night, I have no friggin knife at the table. I think she's just out to drive me insane sometimes. And...every night she leaves her eyeglasses in her van. Every night when she goes out to get them, she leaves the dome light on. Everynight, I have to go out right after her and shut it off. WTF? I guess I'm feeling better....
9 comments:
Hey puddin'
I think it has very little to do with how you approach it, it's about her way of dealing with it right now, which may be wishful thinking at present. I understand your caution, but you've already beaten the odds thus far...taking confidence in that can only improve your attitude and your chances because as we've discussed, your approach to your treatment and outlook has much to do with the prognosis.
...and...I love ya. That is all. Repeat, that is all.
???
Cherish, She does have a lot on her mind and I know this is not easy on her. If she had it, I'd be a basketcase. But for the record, she always forgot to give me a knife, or a glass, or a fork...even before this ;-)
{Southern}, I do think it's her way of dealing with it. I have beaten the odds and I have a positive attitude (usually) I used to wait for the other shoe to drop and I think it dropped last April when I found out about the lung stuff. But I do have a new normal now, and cancer will always be a part of me or lurking in the background.
I understand.
Is the van yours or hers? If it is hers leave the dome light on and let the battery go dead. Lesson learned. You are enabling her to be absent minded. Anyone can remember simple life chores if they have to.
I hope you are feeling better. :)
Just stopped in to leave you a hug.
That last couple of lines made me think of something and grin my crooked grin:
maybe you two arguing/fussing a bit, like most longterm married couples I know, is a sign that things are "normalizing" a bit . . . ;-)
Just checking in to see how you are. Sounds like you need a hug!
I think Dana's wanting definate answers is part of her trying to make total peace about the situation. She is probably scared to death of loosing you. I remember my Dad talking about this to me. He said it took every ounce of energy in him to be supportive because it is such an emotional toll on the partner. Just let her cool off and make sure you reassure her too. My Dad sadly didn't get this and he said it is what he missed the most!
When was the last time you did something for her that didn't involve the topic of cancer?? I know it is reality but perhaps she would like a little time with you one on one without the topic coming up. Just for one night!
I think your blog reflects your mood and it is still real! Do you think you use your humor to cover up what is inside like a lot of us do? I still love your blog. Sorry it's been a while since I have visited. I have been busy.
Well, I guess because I've had more of the scoop, I happen to know that you spend a lot of time NOT talking about the cancer to spare her feelings, so that's not it.
You're very good about that...you're doing just fine...and you need all your supportive energy for yourself right now...and it's not about her anyway, it's about YOU needing support right now this last little stretch. You both do, to be sure, but if it came down to a choice between who needs the most reassurance and support...um...is it really a tough call? I think not....
Thanks everyone,
Wendy, I thought of that but guess who would have to change the battery? It's how she is, I leave socks on the florr, she leaves the car light on (and her glasses in the van)
Mo, Love you!
Squirrley - good point!
Dan, things are looking up, just a hiccup
BG, some good points. If Dana was sick, I'd want answers too. We do try to get out and be normal.
Southern, you know me...She is supportive, You are too! xox
Thanks I surely didn't appreciate being shot down there, so I am just going to ignore that rudeness like I have for about 2 weeks now. Aint life grand!
I dont know your situation, that is true. I am not asking to know (with Dana I mean) just suggestions and if they apply then great if not then tell me to F myself and move on! LOL
I am nothing but supportive, always have been always will be!
xx
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