Good(ish) News

I don't know why I have trouble absorbing good news, but I do. My Oncologist said I may just have 6 more months of chemo then I may be done. The operation was a success, my lymph nodes were negative for cancer, and they got the two spots of cancer out.

"D-Day" as in Doctor Day

Today I meet with my Oncologist. Scared shitless right now, waiting for the percocets to kick in, then the xanax. I'll post results later

Fuck

I can't believe how much BS I get from my family. I ask Dylan to make sure he has clothes for his concert yesterday and guess what, he has no fucking clothes and the concert is in 45 minutes. Dana's no fucking help either

Blah....

I had been doing ok with the surgery, although I still hurt a lot unless I take many percocets a day. I woke up this morning however throwing up and with the shits (at the same time of course) I hate all of these side effects but I'm not on chemo so I'm not sure what is happening and why. Probably something I ate. I will most likely start chemo again in a week or two. Not looking forward to it at all. I really hate it.
I can't believe these past two years. I just want to cry, I wish it would end (happily).

I've upped the amount of percocets I'm taking again. I had been eating about 12 a day and the funny thing is that no one can tell that I'm high. I've always been good at being high, but not acting or looking it. I guess its probably more of a curse.If I got caught at it more often I'd probably stop it. so now I'm back to taking more. It just feels like a hot knife is jabbing me around the area under my right breast and rib cage. I imagine that is where the removed the part of my lung. I can't feel were the lymph nodes were removed. I hope to ask him this week when I meet with him. This morning was very rough too because it was the first time I puked since I had this operation. That hurt the area where they cut me very much. I also had a sneezing fit and that was unbearable. Luckily I'm not big on the allergies or I'd be fucked.

I was supposed to go to have lunch with some friends from work today. It was my friend Debi's bithday. I just work with such a remarkably wonderful bunch of people (and most of them are women too which makes it even better because they are all supportive and are very easy on the eyes if you know what I mean. Hell, I'm sick, not dead. I think there was also part of me that didn't want to deal with all of the questions and comments too, but I know I didn't fabricate this. Jeeze, today was only the third week since my operation. I will say this, I seem to heal reather quickly for the most part.

I hope I sleep better tonight. I see my therapist tomorrow. I told her that she looks great in peach colored capri pants. I actually said "You look peachy". I know I broke some sort of ethical code of not being able to compliment one's therapist. hey, she's an attractive woman and she looked realy great in the pants. So shoot me

Happy HNT

Roller Coaster

It's amazing how much I rely on my medications. I didn't take anything for pain yet today or any of the many other meds I take, and all I can think of saying is FUCK EVERYTHING.
It occurred to me that my new normal is like the same ones I've had for the past 26 months. I'm either on fucking chemo, or I get a break from chemo because I had another part of my insides cut out of me. Hardly a break, ya know? I'm also participating in an acupuncture pain study. They taped these small needles onto various parts of my body that may or may not be in the right places depending on if I have the placebo ones or the real ones. I get phone calls asking me about my pain. Is it a zero (no pain) or a ten (much pain). How the fuck do I know. You dive into a pool of water and you're wet, that's it. If they asked me 3 years ago how much pain I'm in, I'd have a much different answer. Now, I've been in constant pain since Sept 04. Period. Some days I act better than others and some days I take 14 percocets. Do you have a fucking 15 on the pain scale lady? That's where I'm at! I'm so tired of this grind. Now I'm off chemo while I heal (at least I can shit in peace) then I get an x-ray on May 18th along with a CT scan that day. I will also see the lung surgeon, then see the foot doctor who will no doubt cut up my nails with no anesthesia. Then the following week I will see my Onc who will tell me the wonderful news about how we don't know why your abdominal lymph nodes are enlarged but we'll hit you with another 40 rounds or so of chemo. Gee, will it be the same stuff or something else? I turned off comments because I don't want to hear any. No pep talks. I'm sure in a day or so I'll be able to fake it again and will turn them back on.

Don't Click on My Ass

What the heck do you all know? I know you only want me here because of my booty, but that works for me. Thanks, you're all great friends.
"you like me, you really like me"

Coming Along

Things are coming along, I still have trouble sleeping because it's difficult to lie down but the pain is getting a little less each day. I need to start walking more to build up my lung capacity. It's very beautiful up here in NY State with the trees blooming, I want to take it all in and enjoy. I know my last couple of posts have been rather depressing. I don't know how many out there have had major surgery, but it really sucks (cancer aside). I do feel like site is becoming too pathetic so I may cut back on my posting unless I really have something to say.

Post-Op

	If the movie doesn't play, you can try this link or right click it and save to the desktop.

Butt Friday

Boo and Paula, this one's for you ladies. The Erbitux had made my beautiful blemish free butt no longer blemish free. I do think I'm on too many percocets. Now that I've done it, I think EVERYONE should post pictures of their butts on Butt Friday. The tubes are out, I got through the night okay and I'm set to go home. As usual, I expect some nonsense about the papers not being in order or something delaying this. I have been telling them since I saw the Doctor at 6 am that he said I can go, I am calling Dana, and I am leaving at noon. I don't want them to telling me at 11:45 that I need an xray or some excuse. I really get very antsy and I can't and won't stay around. If I have to bust out of here, I am doing it. It's going to take a while for me to get back to some sort of normal. Hmmm, maybe this is my new normal for a while. I do have to finish sealing the deck in the back of our house so I can do that while sitting and just take my time. I still can't believe that I was in for another surgery, I thought it wasn't going to happen. You just never know what life is going to throw your way do you...

I better not see my ass floating around the internet ;-)

Tubes Out

Yes Phillie, there is a Santa Claus. I had both tubes taken out this morning. I was just getting ready to go into the bathroom to freshen up (I can't shower for another 2 days) then the Doctor comes in. She asked if I wanted to wait to have it done, which I did not want to wait. She then proceeded to take out the chest drainage tube. That sucker hurt while it was in there and when they took it out, it was the strangest sensation and it was rather painful too. They do have you take a few deep breaths first, then they pull it out in one full swoop. It's like taking off a bandaid or diving into cold water. You just have to do it. It feels much better now that it is out. I still have pain and I can't take a full breath without pain, but in the scope of things, it isn't bad.

Then, I had ordered breakfast and then went to get cleaned up. My food gets there 45 minutes later (as usual) and just as I'm ready to start to eat, some gguy comes in and tells me I need to go for an x-ray. I get one taken every day so they can monitor my lungs. They have you wait in a smalll room, about 6 of us, all in wheelchairs. Some people you can tell are really in bad shape. Others, like me, look fairly healthy. It just goes to show you that you never know. I get wheeled in and they take two shots. One is a portrait and the other is a side profile. It takes about one minute to take the shots. Then you go back and wait until someone comes and gets you. This always takes a long time. Finally, they get you and bring you back. I get all settled in and my nurse, Steve, comes in and asks if I want to have the catherter out or should I finish breakfast. I wanted that one out so bad. I think the only reason I had it in was because they want to monitor how much fluid is coming out of you. So, him being a guy he is more sensitive to the male anatomy than the averrage female nurse. I know I'm making an assumption and the other times I've had it done by female nurses they were gentle too. So that is taken out rather slowly. It's a very strange feeling. Now I have 8 hours to produce or they will have to stick it back in me. A good motivator.

So now I'm on oral painkillers (percocets) instead of the IV stuff. I think they will work fine. My sister and her husband came by last night for a few hours and Dana is planning on coming in this afternoon or early evening. I am supposed to get discharged so I'm even wondering if it would make more sense to have Dana come in tomorrow instead and then drive me home. I'm supposed to keep walking around so I bettter get cracking. Speaking of that, Boo, I tried to take a picture of my half assed gown with my camera phone for HNT, but it was not pretty.
xo-phil

Wednesday

So this is the view bacally from my window. I'm really north of the bridge looking south. The food here is pretty good. I had sirloin tips last night and the breakfasts are ok too. It's just nice to eat. Larry bought an oange over this morning on his way to work. I've been having a low oxygen reading in my blood lately. Actually, every time I'm in a hospital I have that so now I am oxygen. I have this cart with a tank on it that I have to wheel around. My chest still hurts, I've heard that much of the pain is from the tube that is in my side and up into my lung. They say that when they take that out, it gets mch better. That may be tomorrow. Yesterday they told me it could be today. This is typical. I'm so fucking antsy, I just want to get home. I'm not sure what is going on with the nurses either. The last two I had are male nurses. Maybe Dana is picking them out for me. From where this computer is I have a nice view of the Chrysler Building and of the CitiCorp building. If all goes well, I'll be home by Friday. Dylan has his blackbelt test on Saturday ($200) I can't believe how expensive it is. He better not get beaten up. I know I'm rambling but I'm on pretty heavy meds but I've done worse. I did get a looksie at my incision this morning. It travels up from mid ribcage to under my armpit. For some reason I thought it would be a lateral cut. They were trying to do a muscle sparing technique. My boss called me up yesterday evening. He's been very supportive throughout this whole ordeal. Well, let me post this and get back to walking. They want me to do at least 1 miles per day which is 14 laps around the floor.

Still kickin'

Hey everyone. Am I a blogging addict or what? I'm here with a lovely hospital gown on with a second gown over me so my arse doesn't hang out. I'm staying on the 14th floor but the have a recreation room on the 15th floor with two compters in it. They also have foosball, puzzles and an outside patio. So the surgery went well (thanks Karyl for posting the update). It was about 2 hours long and there were no complications. My first surgery was about 8 hours long. This one isn't too bad. My chest hurts from the incision and from having a tube in my lung to help drain fluids out of it. My nurse is going to change the dressing on the wound so I'll get to check it out. One thing that's a drag is that I can't shower now, only sponge baths which is not even close to getting clean. I also find it very hot in here. I brought a small fan with me and it's a lifesaver for me. I also have my iPod Nano so I'm set. Well, I'm kind of spacing out here so I think I'll sign off. Thanks everyone for your support.
x-p

Show Time,,,

Here I am in NYC at my brother's apartment. It's almost 11pm. No more food after midnight. All he has are Cherrios. This is rather amusing for me because EVERY Thanksgiving, I hear about the time I wanted Cherrios instead of turkey. He must have planned this. Hey, I was 5. The surgery is at 10:30 am, they want me there at 7:30. They made a point of telling me 2 times not to use deodorant in the morning. I almost told them I usually don't put any on until Wednesday of every week so it's no problem. The surgery should be about 3 hours long. They are going to use a muscle sparing technique on me. I'll wite about it after. My friend Karyl will be posting some updates on Tuesday and Thursday. I should be home after that. Karyl is awesome! We work together and it is always a fun time. She also baked me the greatest apple pie on Friday. It was still warm when she brought it in. Thanks everyone for you support. It means very much to me. xo-phil

Show Time...

Here I am in NYC at my brother's apartment. It's almost 11pm. No more food after midnight. All he has are Cherrios. This is rather amusing for me because EVERY Thanksgiving, I hear about the time I wanted Cherrios instead of turkey. He must have planned this. Hey, I was 5.
The surgery is at 10:30 am, they want me there at 7:30. They made a point of telling me 2 times not to use deodorant in the morning. I almost told them I usually don't put any on until Wednesday of every week so it's no problem. The surgery should be about 3 hours long. They are going to use a muscle sparing technique on me. I'll wite about it after.
My friend Karyl will be posting some updates on Tuesday and Thursday. I should be home after that. Karyl is awesome! We work together and it is always a fun time. She also baked me the greatest apple pie on Friday. It was still warm when she brought it in.
Thanks everyone for you support. It means very much to me.
xo-phil

A Few Days Left Before Surgery

	If the movie doesn't play, you can try this link or right click it and save to the desktop. I probably went on too much about the tube in the nose. As you might guess, I'm not a fan of it

A Few Days Left...

So here's my scars and the inside of me showing my pump. I have finished the treatments as far as the pump goes, but that will stay inside of me for another 4 years or so. I never in a million years thought that I would go under the knife for anything. I've always been on the healthy side. I did smoke cigarettes and a ton of pot in my day, but I also used to do a lot of bike riding. I took two big trips up through NY state, each one about 700 miles round trip. I was a big tennis player too. One thing leads to another and you get married and have kids and the exercise slows down. Still, I always managed to get out hiking or something. Two summers ago I discovered kayaking and went 81 days in a row to prepare for my first surgery. Now, I kind of don't know what to do to prepare. I'm not going to be kayaking now. I will squeak in a day or two before Monday, but the surgery will put an end to that for the time being. It will be a good incentive to get better fast. I love being out on the lake. Now, I'm just trying to immerse myself in work and taking percocets like M&Ms. I want to just mellow out for now or else I'll be a nutcase. I'm getting an I-Pod today too, the 2 gig Nano. I decided to treat myself. I talked to Dana and without hesitation she said 'go for it'. She's a great person, wife, lover (bad cook). You can't have everything can you? Why do I still get strong feelings for other women? I think a lot of it comes from the situation that I am in, other times I just think I'm an idiot. Being faced with cancer does make one do odd things and look at other things in a different light. I started to think last night while trying to get to sleep how they are going to be cutting me in my ribs (4-5 inch cut) then spreading the ribs and going in and removing all of these lymph nodes and cutting out the last tumor. I never realized we had so many 'spare' parts in us that are really not needed. I tend to think we do need them, but they are defective now so they are no good to me. I don't know what to expect with losing more lymph nodes. I think they are important for the immune system, but I've been sick only once or twice in teh pst two years so go figure. I must get back to work now. I do hope to maybe do a video post before all of this happens.

One thing that sucks that I've come to realize is that I don't think I will ever be 'cured' of cancer. I used to think I would be. Now I think it will be a chronic condition that I will have to manage. Not too bad, It could be worse.
-p

Surgery Again

So this was a surprise to me. I went in to get the results of my PET scan thinking that I would be told that I will just do more chemo. My Onc thought we should present my case to a thoratic surgeon, so we did. He felt it was a good ide to go in now and take out the remaining nodule, plus my lymph nodes in my chest. Now I'm set for surgery on Monday, 4/24. Wham bam here I am. I hope this is nothing like that last time I was in the hospital, that really sucked. I think once I'm through the surgery I'll be back on the chemo wagon. It's been 61 treatments so far, I still can't believe it but I'm ready for this. It's amazing what you can do when you are backed up against a wall...

PET scan to come

The thing that gets me is that I seem to get close to being ok, then I find some other shit out. Last spring it was the liver was ok, but the spots in my lungs were indeed cancer so I started the 40 weeks of Erbitux that I'm on now. Now, I have that one faint tumor left, but my lymph nodes (which were larger than they should be) were on the screen last June, now it may be an issue. The thing that sucks with the PET scan is the best I can get is positive BAD news. They can't tell me good news with it so it's a wait and see. I'll probably be on chemo for the rest of my life in some capacity, not a pleasant thought for me.

I don't think all is lost or anything like that, the wind is out of my sails a little but in the big picture, I'm doing really well with all of this.

This Just In....